Category: Love

I was walking into my apartment a couple of weeks ago when my neighbor was heading into his. He stopped on his way up the stairs, his dimunitive size emphasized by the fact that even on 3 stairs up he was still at my eye level. “Is it just you? Only one?” He said in broken english.

“Yes, it’s just me.” I replied and for some reason feeling exposed as if living alone was on par with having my fly open in a public place.

“Me too” he said, “Just one” and then he held up a tiny brown finger. He smiled at our shared commonality. We are worlds apart, but in that single phrase we are exactly the same. “Just One”

His face is old and tired looking. His clothes are drab and most likely purchased from a garage sale or Goodwill.  As he trudged up the stairs I was slapped in the face by a sudden realization – that could be me in 20 years.  I could be a single old man with other people coming by to visit to smoke cigarettes and trample around all hours of the night keeping the single young man that lives below me from sleeping at night. 

An image burns in my head, an image forged from the fires of too much television and a vivid imagination. Me. Alone. Sitting in my white striped boxers on a tweed couch eating a frozen dinner and watching daytime soaps. The apartment is spartan with few furnishings and a large ashtray filled with cigarette butts. Time ticking away slowly as I watch the clock and wait for my next program to start. The numbers are worn off on the remote, but no worries, I have it memorized as it has become my best and most reliable companion. Bitterness has crept in over the years and in it’s cruelty has stripped me of everything that I ever held dear. Now I sit hoping for the Lord’s return or my eminent demise so I can be rid of this tired burden called Life.

Do you know, what I mean, when I say, I don’t want to be alone…

Do you know what I mean when I say, “I don’t want to be alone”?
What I mean when I say, “I don’t want to be alone”
What I mean when I say, “I don’t want to be alone”…

*Oh, and by the way, this postis just a creative exercise… don’t take it too seriously. I have no doubt that I will find someone and if I don’t then I can just order a bride from China. Also I don’t smoke and don’t plan on starting.

I’ve been keeping it a secret for so long now and it has been eating away at me. That is the problem with secrets, lies and deception, holding onto them is sometimes harder than dealing with the truth. So now it’s time to face the music. To put an end to all the questions that everyone keeps asking and so here, today, on the 4th of March I am going to confess this terrible secret so that I no longer have to carry this burden alone. Even more, I must ask for forgiveness in advance because what I have done goes against everything that I stand for. Everything that I have ever taught the guys that I mentor, everything my parents ever taught me.

So here it is… I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

 There. That feels better. It’s out there now and I can deal with it. The world can stop wondering who the father is, it’s me.  I also shaved Britney’s head and Angelina Jolie is going to leave Brad Pitt and we are going to raise Baby Daniella together with her adopted son Maddox. Suri Cruise will also move in with us and we will be a blended family to beat all blended families.