Anyone know what is up with this dude? I wish that I could just check out of my life and become someone else sometimes, but that someone else I would hope would be a better or different version of myself. I would not start singing Opera or something else that I was totally unqualified to do as Phoenix is doing here in this video.
This morning I woke up with an itchy and burning eye. I scratched it and the pain increased.
My lips were dry and itchy too and they felt puffy. I licked them and I felt something that felt like a blister.
I got up and looked in the mirror at my lip and I thought I had a fever blister. “What?” I thought. Fever blisters are a form of herpes and that is just not a possibility with me.
After closer inspection of my face I noticed small red bumps near my ear and on my cheek. Then I noticed my eye and saw that it was swollen. Then after further bodily inspection I noticed a rash on my stomach. All of this started to feel itchy and I realized, because I have had it many times before, that I have poison ivy. Whew. So glad it wasn’t herpes that I didn’t even mind the poison ivy.
I just watched an episode of this animated feature that was recently featured on iTunes. It is called 12 oz. mouse, thus my ingenius title. I know, I know, you want to know how I became so witty. Mostly, it was my parents and the 40 plus people we had living with us over the years, but that you will have to read about in my memoirs.
How would I describe this hot mess? I’ve never tripped on acid, but when I imagine a really bad acid trip, while also wiggin out on shrooms, and having horrific hallucinations after some bad X all while having the DT’s after coming down from a bad cocaine addiction – well, that is how I would describe this waste of money and time.
Always be aware of where your hands are at. Men that are manly don’t make a habit of letting their hands swish wildly about when walking or talking. Be cautious of hand gestures and placement that might appear effiminate, especially the hand on the hip, or for that matter, both hands on your hips.
Instead, try placing your hands in your pockets or near your crotch area. Occasionaly adjusting yourself in public, scratching inappropriately, and hunching forward are all preferred to flailing hands that seem to be directing traffic or trying to get the same sex’s attention.
Don’t talk about the fact that you like Grey’s Anatomy more than Football. Actually, don’t talk at all unless you have something to say that sounds complicated or is about sports. When surounded by a group of manly men, instead of opening your high-pitched mouth, just nod and grunt. Don’t look overly interested in anything unless it is a pair of boobs stuffed into a pretty pink sweater, then you can look interested, but once again, it’s best to keep your mouth shut. You big dandy.
Whoever started telling men that they should be buffed and combed and gelled was a big retard. Men should be able to stumble out of bed and in the car in less than 20 minutes. When did guys start spending more time on their grooming than women? Well STOP IT. We don’t have to do all of that. The whole point of being attracted to the opposite sex is that they are OPPOSITE of us, we aren’t competing with them. They should be on display and you should fade into the background with your grey shirt and your worn blue jeans. Think Ruggedly handsome, not manicure and pedicure. This disheveled, not combed and groomed. Be clean and tidy, but don’t smell like you are wearing 8 types of lotion, facial moisturizer, sunscreen, hair gel, hair spray, cologne, etc.
Eat in Public
A manly man doesn’t waste time on salad. What a waste of good stomach space! Stick to the four major food groups: Beer. Burgers. Wings. Nachos. If it sounds girly, peach bellini apple tini, then it probably is. Behind closed doors eat whatever you want, or if you are already married and your wife wants you to lose that beer gut, then cut back on the suds, but other than that, we are carnivores, ravenous ones at that, so put down your salad fork and dig in with your hands!
Talking to Women
What’s there to talk about? Them! Stop talking about how much you love Grey’s Anatomy and LOST, instead just grunt and nod on occasion and then tell her she’s beautiful and that you love spending time with her. Then, at every chance you get try to put the moves on her. She’ll act like she don’t like it, but every woman likes to be desired, pursued, wanted, needed. Then when she slaps you away act all sheepish and tell her she is irresistable, like a piece of chocolate. Women understand chocolate and the desire it creates within them. If you follow these steps be prepared to fight the women off with a stick, I recommend a wiffle ball bat, it stings just a little and they get the idea that you mean business.
Some men like to play video games, others like to play physical sports. You’ll score more points, no pun intended, playing real sports, but some guys will give you man-cred for being able to play games like Halo and Syphon Filter really well. However, whatever you do, do not mention World of Warcraft or Final Fantasy. Do not launch into a bunch of gibberish about how powerful your online character is or how you are a destroyer in the third underworld of Deviathor. No one, and I mean NO ONE, cares about this so keep it to yourself. The only type of fantasy that really scores you manly points is Fantasy Sports like Fantasy Football or Fantasy Hockey. Whenever the opportunity arises, say things like, Yeah, I LOVE fantasy football or How bout that game on Saturday night? Invariably someone will pop up with a million things to say and all you have to do is sit back and grunt and scratch and you are in.
No matter what you are doing, be ready to back it up with confidence. Don’t let people laugh at you or make fun of what you believe to be important. So maybe you think the Steelers are better than the Cowboys, you have a right to your backassward opinion and people should respect that. Standing up for yourself is important, however, it’s best to refrain from controversial topics if you can keep from it. Instead, stick with the grunting.
Lead or Follow
We’ve all seen the bumper sticker that says, “Lead, follow, or get out of the way…” No truer phrase has ever been spoken! When you are in a group, find the leader, determine if you can take over and if you can’t, be prepared to follow wholeheartedly. No one likes a whiner.
Go ahead and print this out and post it in your cubicle or wherever you play World of Warcraft or on top of your Pride and Prejudice DVD. Then come back often for more tips and tricks on How to Stay Manly Even When You Aren’t.