Last night was my last day with Denton Bible Church Student Ministries. It was very difficult to make the decision to leave, but once it was made, I realized that it was the best decision.
After almost 2 years of working part time for Denton Bible Church I learned a great deal, but now I want to focus more on Seminary and my own web design business.
Working part time at the church for 29 hours a week unfortunately did not pay the bills and with school and 2 other jobs it meant that I had to work around 60-70 hours a week in order to successfully run my businesses and do well at student ministries. I realized that something had to give. I think ministry should be challenging, but it should not always leave you feeling burnt out and overworked. As Christians and ministers we should be serving joyfully from the overflow that God provides – I was no longer doing that.
What I will miss most is the students and seeing their bright smiles and watching and as they mature and learn to love Jesus. I am thankful to DBC for allowing me to serve in such a large capacity and I learned so much about what it means to work for a church.
So What’s Next…
I plan to start working more on my creative goals. I’d love to get more invested in an art-based ministry in Denton, TX. Maybe I’ll start my own, maybe I’ll join one that already exists, but either way I definitely see my life moving more toward art and design and how that impacts faith, culture and religion.
I also have written two books. One is fiction, the second is autobiographical. I’d like to work on them, fine tune them and then try to get them published.
I run a DJ business that has been booming. I’d like to figure out a way to make myself Denton’s Best Event DJ with a bunch of cool props and lights.
Lastly, I’d like to learn more in the realm of video editing with After Effects and brush up on my InDesign and Illustrator skills to accompany what I already do with Photoshop and Dreamweaver.
You could almost feel the seconds tick by. Every scene seemed to be a still frame that drew you in. A momentary clip of art that was created to elucidate some feeling. This is Drive.
The movie itself seems to have very little to do with the actual act of driving. When I left the theater I really only remember one thing: Ryan Gosling’s smirk that seemed to hide something dark and sinister.
The soundtrack to the movie is haunting and brilliant. It moves you along as if you are floating weightlessly on a primordial ooze. It is sort of an aural marijuana the way it detaches you from reality and sets you adrift on a parallel universe.
Each step of this movie seemed so intentional. The pacing was achingly slow at times, but instead of feeling cumbersome, it drew you in, it pulled at you like a vortex or a black hole leaving your heart pounding and senses heightened.
Drive wasn’t so much a movie, but an experience.
This film was directed by Nicolas Winding Refn.
Most of my life I did not understand the importance of community. To me I never labeled by group of friends that I served alongside of at church. I didn’t realize that my Ultimate Frisbee team was it’s own community group and the people that I worked with at work, as well as the guys and girls I worked out with at the gym were all community groups that I was a part of.
What makes community important? It is our community that shapes and defines us. We have this desperate need to belong to a part of something and if that something brings us joy and excitement, well, then all the better. Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, Stumbleupon, and a host of other online groups are all communities that people want to be a part of, but within those communities we place ourselves in much more granular communities.
Why is this important? Because we will go – and stay – wherever we find the most acceptance and comfort with who we are. If you are fat, you will often surround yourself with other fat people. If you are gay, then you might be in a gay community where you find acceptance and if you are pervert then there are a host of communities online that will accept you. Once you find that acceptance then you start to feel that you are “okay” with how you are because people love and accept you no inspite of your inadequacies, but because of your inadequacies. If you are fat and you suddenly slim down, you lose your fat friends. If you smoke and you stop smoking, your friends literally disappear in a puff of smoke. If you are single and you get married, well, more than likely you’ll see those single friends less and less.
That is why it is so important as believers that we “consider how to spur one another on toward love and good deeps, let us not give up of meeting together as some are in the habit of doing…” – as Christians we need to find acceptance in our church body inspire of our faults. We accept each other because our commonality is the love of Christ, not our muscle size, bank account size, the fancy shoes we wear or the type of sports that we watch or play.
Unfortunately, in many of our church communities we don’t spend time with each other on a real level. When we are at church or around our church friends we become a forced perfect version of ourselves. We don’t share our struggles. We don’t listen and we lack grace. But on an up note, I’ve noticed a big change in that in recent months and a new understanding of the importance of mentors, counseling, and community.
So go, join a small group, a sports team, or something positive where someone challenges you to be a better version of yourself. Don’t just fall into a groove of acceptance in a mediocre community that allows you to just exist and won’t accept you for who you are if you chance.
I’m 35 years old now and I’m at the apex of my understanding of who God is and what my role is in this world. However, I still have this constant nagging temptation that sometimes I want to just chuck all of this truth and go out and party.
Each day I wake up and I try to read my Bible, pray and go through life pursuing God, but sometimes I feel that I fall short and even worse, I feel that God falls short too. There, I said it. Sometimes I feel that my relationship with God has been one-sided. Like that guy in the poem Footprints in the Sand I feel that God is absent in times that are hard.
At 35 I’m still a virgin. The idea of holding out until marriage is still a struggle. At times I don’t think that I’ll ever get married and the temptation to fulfill my need for intimacy in the arms of some stranger is often very intense. Am I to die without ever knowing physical intimacy? Can God fulfill that desire in my life? What kind of life is it that is always filled with sexual frustration and guilt for having lustful desires?
For me, I feel like an ex drug addict that is constantly tempted to fall back into the sweet lulling arms of co-dependence and shut out the world of reality.
For years I had excuses as to why I would submit to the desires of my flesh. I would make excuses to look at pornography, I would justify my behavior and I would wildly abandon my morality for the sake of momentary relief from the pressure of just being me. But when I feel lonely. When I am despairing, I remember that Christ was tempted too and I remember these truths:
- Anonymous sex is not intimacy.
- Living wildly like the prodigal son will not satisfy me, after I have broken down I know that I will be ashamed of myself. I will have regrets.
- Everyone struggles with lust and temptation even when they are married.
- I am not alone.
- I am loved and needed and cherished.
- Life is more about me serving others than meeting my own needs.
- Because we live in a fallen world we will never be 100% happy with who we are.
- Placing unrealistic expectations on yourself is a sure way to stay miserable
- Learning to be content with how God made me takes time and is a ongoing process.
- Running to things of this world for satisfaction is my way of telling God that he does not satisfy me. He is not enough. He does not complete me.
- Feelings of inadequacy are lies from the devil.
- Most of the time when I feel inadequate it is because I have taken my focus off of God and placed if on myself.
I went to a counselor for about a year when I was 30. It was the best money I ever spent. He told me to journal how I felt after I had fallen into temptation – meaning when I had looked at porn and the shame that I felt after. He said when I was tempted to read that. It is a good tool to keep you from falling.
I don’t know who all is reading this site anymore. I rarely update it, but my goal is to use my words to convey transparent truth about who I am and hopefully you can learn from my experience and my mistakes.
It’s been a looong while since I’ve been this obsessed with a song. I think I’ve listened to it on repeat almost non-stop since I heard it on SYTYCD.
The Schoolin’ Life lyrics by Beyonce are displayed below.
This is for them 20 somethings
Time really moved fast, you were just sixteen
This is for them 30 somethings
That didn’t turn out exactly how your mom and dad wanted you to be
This is for them 40 somethings
Well raise up your glass and laugh like a…
This is for them 50 somethings
Hell, you’re halfway there, baby take it to the head
Mom and dad, tryna have a world
Said the world is just too big for a little girl
Eyes wide open, came to see
I had my first heels by the age of 13
Mom and dad, tryna have the boys
I swear that just made ‘em want me more
At 14, they asked what I wanna be,
I said baby 21, so I get me a drink
I’m not a teacher, babe
But I can teach you something
Not a preacher
But we can pray if you wanna
Ain’t a doctor
But I can make you feel better
But I’m great at writing physical letters
I’m a freak, all day, all night
Hot, tap, sway
Boy your out of sight
And I’m crazy, all day, all night
Who needs a degree when you’re schoolin’ life
Oh oh oh oh oh oh woah oh oh (x2)
Schoolin’ Life,
Oh oh oh oh oh oh woah oh oh (x2)
Schoolin’ Life
This is for them pretty somethings
Living in a fastlane, see you when you crash babe
This is for them sexy somethings
That body can’t always get ya out of everything
This is for them bitter somethings
Stop living in regret, baby, it’s not over yet
And this is for them ? somethings
Beyonce Schoolin’ Life lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/beyonce-schoolin-life-lyrics.html
Beyonce Schoolin’ Life lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/beyonce-schoolin-life-lyrics.html
That’s high old life, baby, put me on your flight
I’m not a teacher, babe
But I can teach you something
Not a preacher
But we can pray if you wanna
Ain’t a doctor
But I can make you feel better
But I’m great at writing these sick love letters
I’m a freak, all day, all night
Hot, tap, sway
Boy out of sight
And i’m crazy, all day, all night
Who needs a degree when you’re schoolin’ life
Schoolin’ life….oh oh oh….schoolin’ life….
You know it costs to be the boss
One day you’ll run the town
For now make your life what you decide
Baby, party til the fire mashes, shuts this sucker down
I’m not a teacher, babe
But I can teach you something
Not a preacher
But we can pray if you wanna
Ain’t a doctor
But I can make you feel better
But I’m great at writing these sick love letters
I’m a freak, all day, all night
Hot, tap, sway
Boy out of sight
And i’m crazy, all day, all night
Who needs a degree when you’re schoolin’ life
Schoolin’ life….oh oh oh….schoolin’ life….oh oh oh
There’s not a real way to live this…for real
Just remember stay….oh yeah, oh yeah
Don’t stop running until it’s finished
It’s up to you, the rest is unwritten