Wednesday, August 02, 2006

How to Make Me Laugh

"I'm going steady and I french kiss"

"So, everyone does that"

"Yeah, but my science teacher says I am the best at it."

National Lampoons Vacation is so funny!

Friday, April 28, 2006

How to Make Me Laugh...

Tell me a good Yo Momma Joke...

Yo Momma is so greasy that Crisco called and asked her to be the Mascot.

Yo momma is so stank that she is like the Twilight Zone - whenver I go around her I always hear Do-Do Do-Do Do-Do Do-Do.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

How to Make Me Laugh...

Tell me a funny Yo Mamma Joke.

Yo momma teef are so yellow that when she closes her mouth her stomach lights up.

Compliments of the new show Yo Momma hosted by Wilmer Valderrama.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

How to Make Me Laugh...

I love those new Burger King commercials with the Whopper Dad and the Whopper junior...

"You'd know that dad if you pulled your head out of your bun!"

"What are you gonna do dad - SPANK MY BUN!"



Thursday, February 02, 2006

Karate Dog

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog. So the young wife went to the pet store and said, I need a good guard dog. The clerk replied, Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does know karate. The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, Karate that chair. The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, Karate that table. The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog.

The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, Karate my ass!And to this very day, he is in the hospital.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

How to Make Me Laugh...

Enough Said.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

How to Make Me Laugh...

Call Me George Foreman Cuz I'm Selling Everbody Grillz

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Well, Avery is almost 9 months old and doesn't have any teeth! He's been teething since he was about 3 months but nothing. So I thought I'd do something about it. I got in contact with Paul Wall and we came up with a solution...Baby's first Grillz. What it do baby. No more mushy carrots for Avery!

This is Biggy's baby boy - Avery - he rocks!

Monday, January 02, 2006

How to Make Me Laugh...

A Lego Movie! And it is Harry Potter - so dumb it is funny.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

Thanks to Steve for this one. The Chronicles of Narnia - It is an SNL rap with Chris Parnell.

It's Deeee-Lish!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

Yes, you have probably seen this, but just in case you haven't.

I love the Elf Movie!

Monday, November 07, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

"You know what he did? He Kicked him in the Penis!"

Check out this clip - it is pretty funny.

Monday, October 17, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

While watching some very late night television I saw a commercial that went something like this...

"Hey Stud, looking to meet hot girls? Just text the word PLAYA to 4 45 45 45 to talk to live women in your area!"

It made me laugh and then it made me a little sad.

Friday, October 07, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

How to Please Your I.T. Department...

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we
find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages
from here.

When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That
way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to
remember 700 screen saver passwords.

When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping
you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your
mail because your computer won't power on at all.

When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete
it at once. We're just testing.

When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and
flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem.
We love a puzzle.

When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in
a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
shortly?" That motivates us.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly
what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

If you haven't seen the Reebok Terrible Terry Tate Office Linebacker videos, then you are in for a treat.

If you have seen them, then take a moment to watch them again because they are freakin' hilarious...

Terry's World

Draft Day





Now that is how you make Eddo laugh!!!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

While watching The 70's House on MTV I laughed out loud when the kids had to eat Fondue and one of the guys says, "This tastes like no cheese I have ever had, this is a Fon DON't!"

Thursday, June 23, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

I got this in an email and I thought it was pretty funny.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

All I could think while I stood there, her little rubber butt in my hands, was oh my god, how many of my friends and relatives have done this very thing and then gone back to their normal lives as if they hadn’t ever held someone else’s butt closed? How can I go back to the life I once led, a life before the anally inserted suppository, without thinking, hey, I just held someone’s butt closed for 15 minutes?

Sunday, April 10, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh...

From Vanity Fair - with Reese Witherspoon

Old Lady "There must be something disreputable in your past"
Reese "My father was an artist"
Old Lady "Starving I hope"
Reese "Absolutely Ravenous"

Friday, April 08, 2005

How to Make Me Laugh!

Apparently the fragrance of Christ has been captured in a candle -

Purchase His Essence at

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

How to make me laugh...

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday ....... I be so glad that this my last
child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those darn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get
there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma
house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on yo
mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what
she say and what she look like. Baby girl walk through the door, I say,
"Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy and watch the expression
on yo face."

Monday, March 07, 2005

Read all of this, it is very clever...

Europe English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

How to make me laugh...

I had to pull this one out of the archives because it is soooo funny.

You must read the Letters to Dumb Dumbs in order to get the full funny.

Friday, February 04, 2005

How to make me laugh...

I haven't had anything to post here in a while, but this should make up for it - it is a video of Richard Simmons on Whose Line is it Anyway! HILARIOUS!!!

Monday, January 10, 2005

How to make me laugh...

I still laugh every time I think about that Chips Ahoy commercial where the cookie shows up to the birthday party and all the children are sitting around the table and the cookie says, "Hey, where's the cake?" and the little girl replies with really wide eyes, "Cake?, we're not having cake".

Friday, December 24, 2004

How to make me laugh...

Use the word Snuggle in a sentence- as in, "Lets Snuggle".

Monday, December 20, 2004

How to make me laugh...

Politically Correct Christmas Greeting

Holiday Greeting: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday(tm), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual orientation of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

How to make me laugh...

Friday, November 26, 2004

How to make me laugh...

I went to the movies the other day with a friend (JP) and he was sitting next to the aisle. The movie was about to start and I noticed 4 older people following a younger guy. It looked like two sets of parents and a son or son-in-law leading them slowly up the stairs.

Well, just when they get next to JP this old man stumbles and his hand falls right into JP's popcorn. It happened so fast it looked like he was trying to steal JP's popcorn. And even though I knew it wasn't funny that the poor guy slipped, I couldn't get that image out of my head- it was hilarious and I had to hold back the laughter and that seemed only to make it worse. I wish I had a video because it was the funniest thing I have seen in a LONG time.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

How to make me laugh...

Thank You...

I want to thank all of you!

To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure,
blessed, and wealthy by sending me your crummy chain letters over the
last year.

Because of your concern:

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer drink anything out of a can because I
will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer.

I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a
needle infected with AIDS

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could get pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS.

I no longer want to pump my own gas - where I will
either get AIDS or cause an explosion by cell phone or

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even
though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get
the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the
estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or

I no longer look at the opposite sex because they
will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a
bath tub full of ice.

I no longer have a cell phone because I don't want
brain cancer.

I no longer have any sneakers because I would hate
to see all those poor kids in the sweat shops overseas
suffering because I wanted a pair of Nike shoes.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl about to die in the hospital for the
1,000,000,000th time.

I no longer have any money but that will change once
I receive the $18,624 that Microsoft and AOL are
sending me since I participated in their special
e-mail program.

I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking
out for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now if you DON'T send this e-mail to at least
12,000,000 of your closest friends in the next 60
seconds a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your
head at exactly 5:00 pm tomorrow!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 22, 2004

How to make me laugh...

Arrested Development, Sunday Night on Fox. Hilarious. One of my favorite quotes...

"You want your belt to buckle, not your chair." -Lucille

Thursday, November 11, 2004

How to make me laugh...

Tell me a good clean joke... this is thanks to Cody Miller and Reader's Digest.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or coming down?"The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."-Readers Digest-Often when times are slow, or just at a sit still, I find it enjoyable to read these funny jokes that are in the Readers Digest mag. This is a funny one that I recently read.

And this is thanks to Susan at work...

You hear about the 2 old ladies going to Bingo? They get in the car and as they're driving along, the one driving, speeds through a red light. Her friend looks over at her friend but doesn't say anything. A little further along, she zips through another red light. Her friend looks over at her and says "That's the second red light you've run through." Her friend looks over at her and says " I driving?"

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

How to make me laugh... Hysterically.

Today while at the gym this guy who was probably 50 was doing a Tricep press down so incorrectly and wildly I might add that I thought he was going to tear the machine apart. In my almost 20 years of being in various gyms I have never seen such inapprioprate usage of cable weights. If I had gotten a video, it would have been one of those gems that everyone would pass around through email and watch over and over and over.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

How to make me laugh...

Laugh at everything I say...

This girl at work- cute as a button black girl named Evelyn- when I was training I would say something like, "Just double click it right there" and she would just crack up...

Thursday, August 05, 2004

That Old Navy Commercial...

Mowing the Yard is blowing my MIND!!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

The WB superstar- it's a hoax, it's hilarious, I love it, it makes me laugh, that good type of belly laugh, deep, the kind that makes your muscles ache. I love to laugh- they say it's the best medicine... I tend to agree.

Monday, October 13, 2003

The other day we were driving down Carroll Street in Denton- Nikki, Alan and Myself. They are erecting this new tall building and it was obscuring the view of Mi Casita- Nikki then made a comment like- "Now we're going to have to call it Mi Can't Seeta" It was VERY funny at the time.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Have a voice like Barry White and throw the phrase Shrinky Dink into converstaion- such as- "Let me just shrinky dink this screen"

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Use the phrase "I'll have this fixed in two shakes of a lambs tail"

Friday, September 19, 2003


1. A shoe having a wedge-shaped heel joined to a half sole so as to form a continuous undersurface. Often used in the plural.

2. The condition of having one's clothing stuck between the buttocks, often from having had one's pants or underwear pulled up as a prank.


Thursday, September 18, 2003

Eddo on... Smoking Pot (Something I do not condone)

Today this guy at work was talking about how when he was in his teens he had some brownies laced with marijuana- reefer, wacky weed, grass, gonja- you get the idea. The funny part was him telling me how great it was, and how he gave some of the brownies to his grandma- then to top it all off- he said he got the stash from his mom! Another round of laughs was had by all-

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

You probably had to be there but what the heck...

Today I was looking at some old pictures from our halloween costume contest here at work. I was telling my coworker who sits behind me about the costumes and she was looking at the pictures too. We were discussing them, and laughing and then I said, "Oh, look, somone brought donuts" and without missing a beat, My coworker goes- "WHEN?!" It was the funniest thing because I was talking about the donuts that one of the guys was eating in the picture- and by this time it was 3 in the afternoon. I laughed so hard, it was so refreshing, I don't think I have laughed that hard since I went to see Bruce Almight with Nik and Booch on Memorial Day weekend. GT's!

Monday, September 08, 2003

Eddo: "I hate Walmart, it is hell, it is so hard to get to that place"

Nikki: "Yes, you always spend so much time and money there"

Eddo: "And now they are building that Best Buy and all that new stuff over there!"

Nikki: "I know, it is easier to get into hell than it is to get into our Walmart."

Eddo: Laughs uncontrollably.

Saturday, August 30, 2003

This is a funny site you must have sound though.

I have hyper-linked it for Alan Meadows- my laziest best friend who does not like to cut and paste.

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Someone sent me this- we've all seen them before... but sometimes they are good for a chuckle.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?




Reply: Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Dear Mom:

May 30th:
Just moved to Dallas. Now this is a city that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched
the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've
finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd d egree burns over 60% of my body).
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather
upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells
like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in
this heat.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's
hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC
repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in house
payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes
the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman. I hate this
stupid city.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise guy cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
strangle him. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over,
my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my butt was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt , and baked cat.

Aug. 10th:
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2
months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this desert? Water rationing will be next, so my
$1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the pool. Even the
cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here!

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Take my website seriously. Sure, it is normally what I am feeling, and I say exactly what I mean, but don't take it too seriously, don't take me too seriously... I never mean to hurt your feelings... you big cry baby!

Monday, August 11, 2003

Bush vs. Osama

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have
5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistan dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Johnny Depp... On the joys of parenting

"When kids hit age one, it's like hanging out with a miniature drunk you have to hold on to them. They bump into things. They laugh and cry. They urinate. They vomit."

Michael Jackson

"I'm not being a braggadocio or anything like that- but you know you are on top when they start throwing arrows at you. Even Jesus was crucified. People who bring light into the world, from Mahatma Ghandi to Martin Luther King, to Jesus Christ, even myself. "

Arnold Schwarzenegger... After his visit to Iraq

"I have not seen that much oil since the last time I oiled up for the Mr. Universe contest. "

(These quotes compliments of Nikki Elliot and Us Magazine)

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him....what? (Oh, man, this is
so bad, but it's so good) -

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

Friday, August 01, 2003

Try to use a phillips screw driver to open up a can- of cherries, not whoop ass.

Read the letters to dumb dumbs- more than a few great laughs, and some wisdom as well.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Flirt with a waiter that is old enough to be your dad!

Monday, July 28, 2003

Try to talk to 3 people on 2 different phones, then while trying to tell me you'll call me back, then other person you are talking to, thinks you are talking to them,and hangs up on you!

Friday, July 25, 2003

Old people make me laugh. They are witty, and funny, and humorous. Even when they are a bit cranky, I find it humorous. I can't wait till I am old and I can be cantankerous.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Use the phrase. "Talk to the left, cuz you ain't right!"

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Pepper your speech with the word- "Doozy" As in, "that looks like a real doozy of a problem..." : )

Thursday, July 03, 2003

Senator told me today that he is going to go back to NCTC when he is old and take the same class over and over until he makes a 100! I laughed out loud- Sent- you are a hoot!

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

Dooce on Rice Crispy Treats...

I’ve tried hiding them in dark cubby holes in the basement, but I keep forgetting that I know where I’m hiding them and I find them as soon as I hide them. I’ve tried rationing them in little packages, but I keep rationalizing that each ration is lonely and needs friends, and so I eat four and five rations at a time. Yesterday I gave up and just stood there in the kitchen in my pajamas at 4 o’clock in the afternoon screaming, “YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.“

I have never yelled at my food before- I must try it.

Monday, June 30, 2003

Play Cranium with me- I will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh some more.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Try to make me feel bad by telling me my cookies are nothing special, ha, yeah right- don't think I didn't see you scarfing them down like a duck on a june bug.

Friday, June 20, 2003

Slap a sticker on the side of your Flourescent green Geo Tracker that says- I love me TIBETAN TERRIER, as if your car was not already ugly enough.

Thursday, June 19, 2003

I was just in Chick-Fil-A- that place is bursting with cute kids-

One sitting at the table next to me says really loudly- "Oh, MY GOSH- THEY GAVE ME EXTRA CHICKEN!!"

I laughed out loud. Then a herd of cute kids trampled by and I smiled to myself and thought- hmmm, too bad you can't just purchase them this cute- I'll take 2 blonde ones, that cute brown one with the curly hair, and can I get that one with blue eyes?

Friday, June 13, 2003

Be someone other than my Father and use the phrase, "I don't have the foggiest idea".

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Dance like you have mad skills, when basically it looks like you have just gone Mad! American Juniors- Parents, please don't stop dancing, I need a good laugh!!

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Tell me that you like the taste of burnt popcorn, and then continue to tell me that you don't burn it yourself, but everytime someone else burns theirs, you ask them for some.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Kevin "These eggs aren't all that bad."
Booch "That means they are excellent."

Booch you make me laugh, especially when you are defending anything that you made, or like.

Monday, June 02, 2003

Laugh at everything I say, even when it is not funny.

Monday, May 19, 2003

Monica- you slay me! With your Humidity Hair, and your super competitive spirit- my sides hurt from watching you play ping pong.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Tell me a really funny joke, or one that isn't so funny- that way I can laugh AT you, not with you.

Monday, May 05, 2003

Be Josh Pulatti and try to catch the frisbee when I am near...

Friday, May 02, 2003

How to make me laugh:

Be DW and tell me that your spiritual gift is gaining weight.

Be DW go on a job interview and have the interviewer tell you that you are not "extremely" overweight.

Squeal the tires on your hoopty- yeah, that's it, really loud so everyone can say hey, "Look at that piece of crap hoopty" why do you do that? Oh, to make me laugh.

Roll your sleeves up on your shirt to show off your... white arms?

Play volleyball with me and make fun of everyone else by imitating them in perfect ballerina style.

Tell me that we are going to fight when you are a pudgy white person- and be serious about it.

Ask me to arm wrestle- and expect to win.

Ask me "How's the air up there" and act like it is original- yeah, I have been 6' 5' for over 10 years you retard.

Be Josh Sizelove and say Jokes that aren't really jokes at all.

Be Dave Williams and tell me that you want me to create a "Where's DW" game on my website.

Thursday, March 13, 2003

This is another test- I haven't tried this at work- let's see what happens...

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Just watched that new movie with Queen Latifah and Steve Martin- Bringing Down the House- EXCELLENT!!! The funniest movie I have seen all year! It rivals Zoolander for making me want to fall out of my seat with laughter! I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT!!!

Now I am just kicking it wit some fiddy cent and a bottle of bub- also known as vanilla diet coke...

Josh Sizelove is leaving tomorrow to go to his grandparents to work for a while so we went to the movies- it was totally off the heezy since he had tickets for two, plus, drinks, and popcorn! BONUS! So, it was the jump off.

Work was three levels of lame today- I got to get out that place, it is buggin. But I hate to be bringin down my peeps on my website, so I will shut off the noise-

I gots to bounce-