The Beginning of My Addiction

I was probably 8 years old the first time I saw pornography. This wasn’t just pictures of nude women in Playboy, but the real deal. It belonged to a relative and one of my cousins found the stash and showed it to me. It was frightening and made me feel sick to my stomach.

Fast-forward to 6th grade. I was only 10 years old in the 6th grade. My classmates snuck Playboy mags into the locker room. Guys would huddle around and look as one boy flipped pages. It would last for all of 5 minutes, no harm done right?

A couple years later I worked at a horse ranch at the age of 12. My boss always treated me like an adult. He let me drive his car. He gave me big responsibilities. He left stacks of porn on his doorstep.

Over the years porn would not be something that I would search for, but something that would pretty much be dropped into my lap, however, my addiction to it didn’t really begin until I was about 24. By this time I was no longer living at home or too busy with college and friends. I had settled into a job. I had an apartment by myself and I had access to the internet as well as years of insecurity and repressed desire. As a christian I knew online pornography was wrong, but hey, at least I wasn’t having sex right?

That’s what you do with porn as a christian – you rationalize and justify the sin down until it almost becomes a good thing. It is the lesser of two evils. For married men they probably tell themselves “Well, at least I’m not cheating”. There is always a reason, a justification and now it has become mainstream. When I was a kid people were ashamed to admit to masturbating. Not so anymore. Movies like “Hall Pass” talk about taking mental pictures and storing them in a “Spank Bank”. Magazines for men and women often discuss the best sites for free porn and even tips on masturbation. In an article I read in Details magazine it stated that 1 in 4 had herpes and while the article made it sound like it was a pretty horrific sexually transmitted disease, that in reality the question was not if you’d get it, but when. Porn, Sex, Masturbation STD’s – they are all no big deal… at least that is the lie we’ve been sold.

There is this constant message in our media that seems to suggest that everyone is having sex and that if you aren’t, something is wrong with you. We use sex to sell everything from cheeseburgers to shampoo and there seems to be very little understanding of romance or real intimacy. Instead the guy that shows any sort of sensitivity or romantic feelings for his wife or girlfriend is considered “whipped” – not chivalrous or masculine.

For me I justified my online pornography use even further because I wasn’t looking at “airbrushed perfection” but instead real people. I liked to go into chat rooms. I thought that there was little harm in this despite the intense shame I felt for hiding this dirty secret and even going online to seek out that type of gratification.

This issue plagued me for years. No one really tells you the consequences of porn or that it is addictive like a drug and that it wreaks havoc on your relationships and your mental health. While as kids we are often told not to do something, we aren’t always educated on the real reason as to why not. The simple answer? Because it is freaking dangerous. Online porn will MESS. YOU. UP. Don’t believe me? Read this article. Kids are becoming registered sex offenders at the age of 13 and even younger. There is an epidemic of children under the age of 17 becoming addicted to viewing online porn.

So what do we do? For starters you need to educate your children – boys and girls – at an early age. Make them aware of the dangers and let them know that it is not right and that it is like a drug. The aforementioned article says this:

‘Our research at the clinic has found that although the internet doesn’t create these problems, it can release interests which would never have surfaced otherwise.’

Meaning that when people of any age are exposed to something like meth, cocaine, heroine, pornography – we don’t know what issues and interests will surface. Will everyone that views online porn have an overwhelming addiction or want to rape and maim? No. But there are some that will.

What do you do if you are already addicted to online porn? GET HELP.

I remember going to a friend and telling him “I’m addicted. I’m almost manic with desire and temptation. I’m going to really mess up.” I had even planned an anonymous rendezvous in a hotel that I never followed through with it – less out of heart conviction and more out of a fear of STD’s. Fortunately my friend told me to go and see a counselor and so I did.

How did I overcome my addiction? 

I think that for me I have to remain extremely humble in this area. As someone who was literally shattered by this sin and failed so many times I truly started to believe that it was something that was impossible to give up. I sort of loved my addiction. It was something that I craved when things got tough. Upset because I didn’t get a job? Look at porn. Just got dumped by a girl? Look at porn. Parental problems? Porn. For me porn was always my answer. It was my drug of choice followed closely by food and spending money.

Jesus is the Answer?

For me Jesus was never the answer to my problems, instead I liked to think that he was the cause. I blamed God for so many things in my life (Being Fat, Losing my Hair, Not being born rich, My skin color, Not being cool enough or smart enough…) and while I preached to others about loving Christ and trusting in him, in my own heart this wasn’t the case. I had all these ill feelings and resentments in my life and I was unwilling to truly trust God to provide for me in the areas that I was coming up short – and in case you haven’t noticed from this article I was coming up short in just about every possible area.

Finally after literally years of trying to fix this problem on my own I got help from a counselor and then later a group of guys that kept me accountable. Yeah, I’d had accountability partners in the past but I mostly just lied to them, but this time it was different. This group of guys were quality with a a capital Q. Solid men who were grounded in truth and were willing to actually listen and care. Through them I found the intimacy in my Christian faith that I had been missing for most of my Christian life. God used these guys to show me that Jesus truly was the answer to my problems, I just wasn’t willing to to let go long enough for him to step in and clean up the mess.

It Wasn’t Easy

So how did I overcome this issue? First of all I had to confess my gross past to these dudes and ask for prayer. Then I had to admit to them when I messed up. I lied a few times at the beginning, but they loved me and were so sincere that eventually I came clean 100%. I let them know when I stumbled and over time the allure of online pornography became less and less – but, the desire to masturbate, the biological need was and is still there. I’ll admit it. I’m a dude. We like sex. Duh. But is there a way to just stop masturbating and to forever go this primal urge? To that I have to say I have no idea. What I do know is that I don’t spend 10 hours a month viewing online porn and masturbating every other day. Over time I realized that my desire to self-gratify came more from the desire to escape from how I was feeling and less about sex. I find that when I have a healthy relationship with the Lord as well as my finances, diet and relationships that there isn’t a great need to compulsively masturbate.

Pressing On

Being a single man of integrity is not easy, but being a single man who is addicted to internet porn isn’t so great either. Eventually my desire to escape from reality to internet porn diminished entirely. This I believe is a sweet, sweet gift that I received from the Holy Spirit and is something I never want to take credit for or take for granted. Like a serial dieter I had become a serial quitter when it came to pornography and each time I gave back in to my temptation it was pure bliss… and then suddenly it wasn’t. It was strange really. I went from being constantly plagued with these desires to suddenly having this feeling of “What are you doing? You aren’t even enjoying this…” Something in me literally clicked. Like a key turning in the lock to release my chains. For the first time I truly felt free. Now in the past I have had these little breakthroughs where I feel like I’ve overcome a big addiction. I’ve lost 20-30 pounds on a diet and vowed never to return to Dr. Pepper only to give in 30, 60, or even 90 days down the road. Normally during these periods of “Break Through” I would still have a craving but I would have willpower or this great feeling of pride in my self and what I had accomplished. My Facebook status would tout my abstinence or achievement and I’d feel good about myself for my amazing willpower. That wasn’t the case this time. For me I had a Romans 12:2 moment where I literally understood first-hand what it meant to no longer be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. I understood the verse in John 8:32 about the truth and how it will set you free and finally I had a new confidence, not in myself, but in Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit and how Paul said in Philippians 1:6 that he who began a good work in me would carry it out until completion. I’m still being worked on. I’m a big fat work in progress, but now I’ve truly decided to take the easy way out and the easy way is trusting in Jesus. Before everyone told me “Oh, that’s the easy way out” when it came to porn, but in reality porn carries a heavy price with it. It traps your mind and warps your thinking. It holds you in bondage so tightly that eventually the sick strain becomes comfortable and you no longer hunger and thirst for the things that will satisfy you, but instead you have an insatiable appetite for something that is destroying you.

Continued Growth

For me the next steps are to continue in deep prayer and connection to the Holy Spirit. I have to constantly guard my eyes and resist even minuscule temptations. In the past I allowed my mind to wander and even invited mental images that would arouse and even justify them as being “not that big of a deal”. Now I know different.  2 Corinthians says “⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” I love that word “Demolish”. I love the idea of obliterating evil thoughts that come into my mind. The same thoughts that would have me believe that this world and all it’s shiny trappings can somehow take the place of Jesus Christ in my life. Those thoughts that I once welcome with open arms I know want to punch in the face. “LIES!” I want to shout in the face of temptation.

Now each day I live with gratitude that my eyes have been opened to see the path of destruction that I was headed down. I am so thankful every day to the 5 men in my accountability group that have walked this final leg of my looong journey through recovery and continue to walk by my side each day in prayer and support.

Finally, I pray that you are not where I was – standing on a precipice waiting for the inevitable fall – and if you are slipping, I hope that you have someone in your life that is reaching out a hand of hope and salvation and if you don’t have that, then please shout for help.

Other Resources and Articles that I Found Helpful

How Jesus Overcame my Porn Addiction

There’s no Such Thing as Free Porn

I used Eddie Traughber as a counselor for a year, he was the first step in my recovery process.

Download or Read online Porn-Again Christian

Feel free to contact me directly if you need to talk or want some help.

Call me partial, but I have to say I think I have one of the coolest houses on the block, if not in all of Plano for it’s price range. Listed at 165,000 my home is a great first-time buyer property and the furniture, minus the green chair and the artwork, can be included with the property. I’m down-sizing dramatically and simplifying my life and I hope that this house sells quickly so I can get moved back to Denton. Am I a bit apprehensive? Yes. I’ve gotten used to having my own place with a garage and lots of space, but the trade-off is that you have more to take care of and the costs are really astronomical.

When you buy a house they don’t tell you that your mortgage can go up even if your rate is fixed due to increases in taxes and home owners insurance. My mortgage went from $1167 a month to $1451 after living there for 1.5 years. I asked why and they said, “Your taxes went up by 1000 dollars a year” and my response was that they increase the money they were taking from me by $3000.

Anyway, long story short, having a house is awesome, but as a single guy I don’t think the investment is worth it. I would have done better if I had just saved all the money I invested in this property… but on the upside, I got to live in a really great house in a really great location.

I remember when I worked at a horse ranch in Sanger, Texas. I was 12 and big for my age, but the horses were bigger. “Spring” was a twelve year old Appaloosa that had the most gentle spirit. She was a brood mare and had conceived multiple champion stallions. Even in her huge frame she seemed graceful and motherly.  While many horses are skittish and they will look at you with a wide-eye filled with fear whenever you approach, Spring would only stand there and act as if you were insignificant. She had a quiet strength that seemed to calm the air around her and I enjoyed being near her for this very reason.

Not all the horses at the Bar-B Ranch were like Spring. Actually, the majority of them weren’t. Some horses are arrogant or expectant. Some are fearful or mean, but at the Bar-B, all of them were beautiful.

What I love about Appaloosas is that it looks as if God had some extra white paint lying around and decided to splash it on the rear end of these great creatures.  A splish here, a splash there and when the horses tried to run away gleefully from their creator they kicked up some of the paint and sprinkled their feet and the rest of their body.

If you have never had the chance to stand quietly in the open near a bunch of horses then you might not understand that in this single animal there are signs of God. How could something be so graceful on four strange hooves? How could so much muscle and flesh be carved so exquisitely beautiful?

As I stroked Springs nose I couldn’t resist but to nuzzle it against my face. I would look her in the eyes and she would stare back seeming to understand that I didn’t expect anything from her, I just needed to be near her.  Looking back I now realize that the comfort I drew from Spring was similar to the strength I draw from God. Understanding his strength is superior and yet still knowing that he is gentle and kind and graceful.

I don’t understand people who don’t believe in God, perhaps, they’ve never felt the softness of a horses’ nose.

On Saturday we went to a UK football game and before that we did a little tailgating Kentucky style. There was a plethora of people camped out around the stadium hours beforehand with their UK Blue pop up tents, televisions, generators and ice chests overflowing with beer and brats. We hadn’t eaten lunch and so I gorged on a some chicken wings, 2 hot dogs, chips and dip and some serious dessert.

After the tailgating we went to the game and UK lost in overtime, but wow, what a great experience. The crowd was really into the game and there is nothing quite like watching sports live. There seems to be this community of people who come together for a moment all hoping and wishing for the same thing – VICTORY. The battle raged on the field and in the stands as we cheered on the Wildcats with a C-A-T-S – CATS! CATS! CATS! but alas, Tennessee defeated us in the end.

The rest of the weekend was spent playing racquetball and eating as well as hanging some with Joe’s wife Amber, Amber’s best friend Nicole, Joe’s daugther Abi and of course Amber’s parents Steve and Thel.

Steve thought he would take his 58 year old body and play some racquetball against Joe and I and what a mistake! After a few falls and a tight hamstring we finally called it a day. But it was so fun playing one of my favorite sports with two of my favorite people.

It was a great Thanksgiving weekend and I’m thankful for the friends and family the God has put in my life.

How was your Turkey Day?

I don’t always have everything that I want, but I always have everything I need.

So a big Thanks goes to God this year for not only providing me with so much, but also for stretching my faith.

What are you thankful for this year?

Every time I feel like I am about to have a breakthrough – financially, physically, spiritually, I always seem to have a large setback. Bills and injuries seem to descend upon me at the penultimate moment, the moment that they will be the most devastating or crushing. Not only to my actual person, but also to my emotional psyche.

The constant failures have worn me down. I used to be this mountain of determination, I’m now a nice flat plain of apathy. I still try, I just don’t have high expectations of success for myself. What I do now is I try to have small victories instead of big ones. I think that is what life has become for me. Every day I try to have some small victory. I try not to buy a Starbucks coffee, I try to go to the gym, I try to eat healthy, I try to read my Bible. I try to pray.

People often ask me, “Why aren’t you married?” and the main reason I think is because I don’t feel I’m at my best for someone at the moment. I wouldn’t want to marry me in my present state. My affairs aren’t all in order, my priorities aren’t where they need to be. My career goals are still unsettled. Those are things I can fix before I settle down.

There are days that I have small victories and I feel that a series of small changes will one day turn into a great accomplishment. Every day I try to become a better person and one day I will burst out of this cocoon and fly, but for now, I’ll continue to struggle and grow and in the end, I’ll be stronger for it.

I take lots of notes and I bring them with me to the reception, but when you are in the heat of the moment going from punk to funk all while taking requests and interacting with the crowd it’s hard to stop and look at your notes.

For some reason last night I felt like I was in some weird time warp while playing music from multiple generations. Perhaps it was the myriad of lights I had going that were whirring at a frenetic pace that made me feel as if I was tripping on acid, or it could have been the music being so loud next to me or the fact that I cut my finger very deeply and lost about a pint of blood. I’m not sure what it was but I was off my game all night.

Microphone feedback is never good, but to have feedback twice for me is unheard of. Couple that with strange volume issues and general lethargy and you have a recipe for disaster. Fortunately, I held myself together and at the end of the night I felt like I had done a good job. Did I rock the party clean off their feet? Yes and No. But I don’t always consider that to be my problem. Some groups aren’t as wild as others and not every party is going to be an off-the-charts success (but most of mine are).

Tonight I have wedding number two and I expect that it will be a little more rocking since the reception starts at five and people will most likely be more awake and lively. We’ll see how it goes. What’s going on in your world?

Imagine our ancestors without running water, living in tents or houses without soap or deodorant. Men sometimes didn’t takes baths for a year at a time and who knows what women did for feminine products.

So today I received this Crime Watch Bulletin and it got me wondering why as humans we do some of the stupid things we do. This kid is a teenager exposes himself to a young girl. Apparently there is some sexual thrill for this, but what causes someone to want to do this? It seems that most odd sexual behaviors are the product of something that has happened to us, but I can’t see what could cause someone to want to expose themselves?

CRIME WATCH BULLETIN
PLANO POLICE DEPARTMENT

The following event was reported to the Plano Police Department.

OFFENSE NUMBER: 2009-205509
OFFENSE TYPE: Indecent Exposure
LOCATION/STREET: Green Oaks and Cherokee Trail (Spring Creek Pkwy/Custer Rd, Mapsco 658 C)
DATE: 10/14/09 (Wednesday) TIME: Between 6:00pm-7:00pm

DESCRIPTION: On 10/14/09 a female walking in the area of Green Oaks and Cherokee Trail observed the suspect vehicle drive up to her location at which time the suspect made a comment to the female, opened the vehicle door and then exposed himself.  The female left the location and contacted the police department.  The suspect left in an unknown direction.

If you have any information regarding this offense please contact the Plano Police Department.

SUSPECT INFORMATION: White male, late teens, brown hair, pierced right ear.

People who suffer from Multiple Personality Disorder or MPD, have normally suffered something tragic in their lives that cause them to split mentally in order to protect themselves. Don’t we all do that when we are in stressful situations? We become someone who we aren’t, sometimes only momentarily, but for a brief moment we don’t even recognize ourselves. The difference is we are aware of this behavior when it happens, but what if we were suddenly forced into extreme situations repeatedly – how would we handle it?

In the book “Switching Time” Karen, the patient with 17 multiples inside her has suffered in ways that I am not sure any human can bear:

1. Gang Rape by people in her neighborhood and the priest at her church
2. Satanic rituals which involved extreme physical torture
3. Pins stuck into her body from the time she was 1 year old
4. Forced to eat excrement
5. Molested by her father and grandfather
6. Prostituted out for money
7. Forced to watch pornography
8. Fish Hooks stuck in her chest
9. Face burned with curling iron
10. Forced into ice-cold water with blood in it and then stuck in a coffin for hours
11. Multiple items inserted into her body cavities including hammers, hangers and waterhoses
12. Religious torture and brainwashing
13. Electrical shocks
14. Tied to the bed naked and beaten
15. Forced to steal and then punished for stealing

I read this book in 3 days and could not put it down. I’m amazed at the mind’s ability to protect itself. Each of Karen’s distinct personalities had traits of their own. Some were crippled, some had allergies and vision problems and when she’d take medication it was effective on some of the personalities but not on all of them. One of the personalities claimed to be able to make Karen’s body temperature rise at will and for rashes to appear.

Each personality had a function that helped Karen to cope with her life. One personality handled school work and one could draw while others would cook, clean or drive. The personalities were not limited to female either. Karen had 4 male personalities along with her 13 female personalities.

When we were growing up my family was very spiritual. We were Christians who believed in demons and demon possession and we were taught that MPD was a form of demon possession. After reading this book I’m not so sure this is true. I’m sure that in all of our lives there are things of a spiritual nature happening that we do not understand, but are all multiple personality disorders demon possession?

In Karen’s case she did not turn against God despite this ordeal. She was told repeatedly that she was evil and her tormentors played Choir hymns while they tortured her. At her communion her father took her into the back room in her white dress and stuck a cross into her vagina. A priest molested her and forced her to make child pornography films.

What is astounding throughout this story is that Karen was able to fool people into believing that she was okay. She protected her attackers and one of her personalities was always happy and played dumb when she was asked about her injuries. Even with a child denying how she was injured, you would think that her teachers would have suspected foul play and done something to intervene and help Karen.

At the end of the story, Karen writes a brief message to the reader telling us to watch out for children that have a glazed look in their eyes and seem to be disconnected from society. When a child feels that they can’t talk to someone about their problems they have no where else to turn but inward.

Dr. Baer’s story is a compelling and despite the dark topic you are carried on this emotional wave of hope. Despite Karen’s constant desire to kill herself, which is something I think many people would have done in her case, she presses on and after 18 years of therapy finally becomes a whole person.

I’m impressed by Dr. Baer’s patience and as someone who wants to enter into counseling, I found this book very educational. Sitting all day and listening to problems can be emotionally draining and physically exhausting. Dr. Baer gets a divorce during the time that he is treating Karen and despite the fact that he rarely mentions the toll his therapy with Karen is taking, it is evident that is must be destructive on multiple levels to his own emotional health.

I recommend Switching Time to anyone who wants to further understand the power of the human psyche and the impact we can have on people when we are willing to work with them and be patient. As Americans I don’t know many people who could suffer through 18 weeks of intense listening and understanding let alone 18 years. I have a new respect for all counselors after reading this book and I can’t help but applaud both Dr. Baer and Karen for this remarkable recovery.