I also started attending a new church and I’ve been trying out some of their resources: online devotionals, group classes, etc. I don’t feel like I fit in… yet… but where do I fit in these days?

I have to watch myself cautiously because I have a tendency to wallow in self pity at times when I’m alone for too long. I am a people person who constantly needs to be around people, but not necessarily involved with them. I love big parties and groups - being too intimate or too deep sometimes exhausts me. One-on-One is harder for me than I let on and after a whirlwind of events I do need my down time to recuperate.

More than anything this year I’m trying to learn how to live alone and be stable. Not to use money or food as a way of overcoming my despair or feeling bereft floating further out to sea while I watch everyone on shore moving on with their lives. I have to learn to let people live their lives without feeling like I am letting them go even though that is often times what I have to do.

What I am hoping for in 2009 is an opportunity to find my niche, to find where I belong once again. For so long I was a part of DBC, a part of a group of friends that lived in Denton and we shared a common focus. Now I’m not going to church consistently anywhere.  I’m not involved in a Bible study, I don’t have a group of male buddies that I can go and watch sports with or have over to the house for a poker night. Don’t get me wrong, I have hundreds of friends, most of them don’t live in Plano though. My best buds live in Shang Hai, Japan, Kentucky, North Carolina, Dallas and Denton.

So this post isn’t a sad post about how awful my life is, in fact, it’s just me laying out the reality of my world and how I’d like to reshape it into something better. I hope to one day look back on this time of my life not as a low point, but as a time that I built a solid foundation of trust in the lord and happy times with friends no matter how far apart we are. It takes work and time and people don’t always meet my expectations or demands, but I’m learning to deal with that too.

So that’s it for me, I hope you have some goals you’ve mapped out for the rest of your life.  And if you are ever hurting or lonely, just drop me a line.

“Billy, what do you think the answer is?” She smiled sweetly and I could almost feel the sick pleasure she got in torturing me. “Does anyone else want to answer?” Each word from her lips was like a bamboo shoot under my fingernails, another volt of electricity through my brain.

“Cindy, that’s right!” She exclaimed and heaped on the praise. I continued to imagine that she was hoping for me to explode. I didn’t understand why she just wouldn’t call on ME!

I finally broke down right there in class. It was too much. I started crying. At first it was merely a trickle but then as the full reality of what was happening to me I started to guffaw and gasp with spasmodic shudders.

My feelings were like a large balloon constantly filled to the breaking point. Each time Mrs. Tatangelo called on another student it was like she was jabbing a needle into that balloon. Every poke was taken personally. Every word was scrutinized, weighed, measured, judged and the final verdict was that everyone in the class was against me and this particular day it just happened to be my birthday.

That was second grade. I was only 6. I’d started school early, skipped kindergarden and was right there smack dab in the middle of kids a year and sometimes two years older than me. If I had a superpower back then it would have been the ability to “Feel” things on an extreme level. I was constantly aware of everyone and how they treated me. I was super sensitive. I took detailed mental lists of every betrayal, every slight and I remembered it whether I wanted to or not.

This has been my blessing and my curse my whole life. My inability to shut off my feelings or being overly sensitive to things. On some levels it helps me be the kind-hearted person I am, but on another level it leaves me blubbering over the slightest inconsideration or cruelty. When people don’t show up for my events, I take it personal. When people don’t like my ideas, I can get volatile.

I’m better now that I’m older and I understand myself more, but I’m still not 100% happy with how I respond to things and people who are out of my control. With every strength there seems to be a great weakness.

It’s been 27 years since my teacher didn’t call on me in second grade but I can still remember those feelings I had as if they were this morning. If I took my heart out of my chest and examined it I am sure it would mostly be a large pile of scar tissue, but I don’t mind so much, scars are what remain after a wound heals and those scars are what make me me stronger.

The 08 Ball

08 Ball Ringing in the New Year!

08 Ball, it just feels so good!

Sporting an Alligator shirt from her Uncle

My Nephew Aiden enjoying some of his Christmas Gifts

Mom helping me with my Tres Leches cake

Giddy Up!

Aiden opens gifts from his Aunts

Aiden get

More gifts with Aiden

Sweet!

I set the mood by lighting all the lights, burning all the candles, and setting the table for 9. I took a little extra time making dinner last night and even started preparing it the day before. I brined my chicken in garlic, sugar and salt. I purchased beer brined pork chops and picked up gas for the grill. In the end dinner consisted of fried chicken strips, pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans and tres leches cake with strawberries, bananas, pineapple and coconut. There were glasses filled with ice and sweet tea and a room filled with warm smiles and laughter.

This is my family, no extension, no cousins, no friends - which is a rarity in our world. We always seem to have a few extra family members or friends join our gatherings and while we love having them with us 99% of the time it was nice to have just my mom and my sisters and their kids and significant others around my table.

After dinner we exchanged inexpensive gifts and warm hugs. We sat around the fire and made a big mess of wrapping paper and had enjoyable conversation. It was simple - fantastically simple and blessed.

Tomorrow, I’ll be heading to the great state of Kentucky to spend Christmas with my best friend Joe and his sweet family. It’s been a good year. I’m fat and happy and that’s nice.

So here’s wishing you a Merry Christmas…

I currently have snowman sheets on my bed. They are flannel and I keep them freshly washed in Lavender Vanilla soap and dryer sheets. They smell amazing, but they never compare to the sheets at the Bruner’s house or the Miller’s or my mom’s house. Those sheets always seem to smell like an angel washed them with a fragance you can’t buy at a store - love.

Recently I stayed at the McWhinney’s home in Holly Lake Ranch and even though there house was relatively new to them, it had all the elements of a home. There is something about the combined efforts of a man and a woman that seem to make a place special. There’s normally a balance of masculine and feminine and even if it borders on the feminine side I think that most men find that welcoming.

My house is a bachelor pad. I have minimal furniture, no family photos grace my walls, the countertops are barren in the kitchen. It’s exactly like I want it.

Right now my bedroom walls are painted with multiple swatches of color. I’ve got multiple projects going all at once and I’m finally getting the need to do things exactly my way out of my system. I love my home, but now I’m willing to give someone else a shot at picking the wall colors of my bedroom. I could use some help in narrowing down what type of flooring I want in the living room and what color of cabinets to put in the kitchen.

All of this is not saying that I’m ready to be married, but if I do get married, I’d now be ready to let someone come in and have their way with my space and that was something I wasn’t ready to let go of a few months ago. I needed this time to explore my ideas and to let loose with my creativity. Now I’m exhausted by the options and the futility of my efforts and I’m willing to admit that I’m not as good at this as I always thought I was.

So one day, I hope that this home and all the houses I have after this one, will have that “Lived-In” feeling where when people walk in the door they realize that this is where people live.  People who fight and cook and clean and love. Where people have friends stay over on clean sheets and when we say goodnight after a party our friends won’t want to leave.

Recently, I’ve found that my creative efforts have been expended doing side projects and updating my status on Facebook. How easy it is to whip up one liners that all 400+ of my friends are forced to see as opposed to coming up with something witty and titillating on my website.

What is more, it’s the holidays and everyone is busy bustling about buying gifts and having parties. Personally I’m having a big Christmas party at my casa on the 13th with nostalgic mexican food catered by a friend who used to do our “Coit St. Christmas” parties. I’ve also been decorating the house with lights and Christmas paraphernalia and when I’m not doing that I’m planning this huge New Year’s Party in Plano: http://08balll.com . The rental on this place is over $3,000 and so I’m having to do a serious bit of marketing to make sure we break even.

On Christmas day I am flying to Kentucky to visit my best friend Joe and between now and then I’m turning 33 while my nephew turns 3 and so we’ll be celebrating both of our birthday’s together at Chuck E. Cheese. This year, I won’t even be bitter that he is stealing my spotlight. I don’t even really care about my birthday anymore, there is so much going on around the holidays that I think every party is for me, Hanakuh is for me. Kwanza is for me. Yule Tide is for me. So yes, we are celebrating the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ, but it’s like those office parties you have at work where you pick one day of the month and celebrate it for everyone’s birthday. Okay, not really, but sort of.

So what’s on your plate this Christmas?

Zoey, Uncle Eddo and Uncle Josh in the red shirt

Dave and his daughter Zoey

Dave - Eddo - Josh

Melinda - Jonathan - Cody - Amy - Eddo

Mona - Zoey - Eddo - Erika - Josh

Melinda - Dumas - Cody - Eddo - Dave - Josh

These are all friends who I consider family. I love doing the Turkey Trot and wish that my actual family would do it with me one year. It is so nice to do something on Thursday morning that is giving charitably and also active since the rest of the day is normally spent in a gluttonous stupor watching football. But don’t get me wrong, gluttionous stupor is one of my favorite stupors.

Thanksgiving for me started with the Turkey Trot and then ended with a mini all-guy high school reunion. Most of the guys I went to High School with were in town including one of our coaches and so we met up at Rudy’s Barbecue and caught up on everyone’s lives. Most everyone had kids and a normal job. Bruce was doing a fellowship in Plastic Surgery, Rick, the quarterback of our football team was now a coach and Chris, one of my favorite people from high school is now a youth pastor. What surprised me most of all is how much we are all still the same. I’m still the “nice” guy of the group and as Chris and our Coach left I heard some stories about what happened in high school that i never even knew about. Not being close to many of these guys really kept me sheltered from some parties and a few other things that happen with men in highschool. There was a time in my life when I would have envied these guys and their conquests and stories, but for once, I was sort of proud of my naiivete. Sure I’ve indulged in my share of debauchery, but for the most part I have remaned pretty clean in my 33 years.

One particular story that I thought was kind of cruel was the retelling of how this “ugly” girl was told that one of the popular guys was in crazy about her. Supposedly she called him for 3 weeks before finally giving up. There was a round of laughs because the joke was supposed to be on the football player, the fact that this ugly girl had his phone number, but no one gave any thought to the fact that there was a girl out there who was being hurt in this practical joke. 

I won’t pretend that I have not ever done something so cruel, but I can’t imagine looking back and not being sorry about it now. 

When I was in high school I remember I wanted to be more accepted by these guys, I wanted them to like me for me, but now that I am older I realized that would never have been a possibility. Not that I don’t think these guys on some level are all great guys, I just don’t know if their level of character meets my expectations. I prefer to surround myself that are better than me, that make me want to be a better person - because I can use all the improvement that I can get.

Hope your Thanksgiving was great!

We were standing on a bridge that overlooked a large black stagnate puddle of water. The small bridge led to no where and for the life of us we couldn’t figure out why someone had placed it where they had. It was metal and only wide enough for one person to cross.  The area was remote, there was no one around except for me, Luker, DW, Jimmy and Bob. Luke and I had ridden over in a slow golf cart and the other 3 guys were on a much faster cart. My plan: To steal the faster golf cart.

I climbed up on the bridge with look and looked back to realize that if I was sneaky and fast I could run to the faster golf cart and leave Bob, Jimmy and DW stranded. I started to sneak out of the trees and then I sprinted, while laughing hysterically, to the fast cart. I jumped in and slammed on the gas just as DW realized what was going on. He ran after me the golf cart barely eluding him. He ran faster but I was getting away. All the while I cackled and laughed at this coup.

I’m rarely sneaky, nor am I fast enough to better my slimmer opponents and this was a real triumph for me.

Later that day I played a couple of rounds of basketball. The first game Bob and I lost miserably to JJ and DW, but the second game I got JJ and he and I defeated Bob and DW. Once again I was delighted in my victory. I’m horrible at basketball, but for once, I was actually doing okay. I was getting lucky, making a few good shots, and in general holding my own. When we won, barely winning 10 to 9, I was elated.

In the last 2 years a group of us has gone to Selah Ranch to spend time together and with Jimmy who is in town from China. All of us, with the exception of JJ, have worked at Kanakuk Kamps and have known each other for over 10 years. It is a group that has a close bond and there isn’t a single person at these trips that isn’t a constant delight to be around.

I think my favorite part of these trips is that for one weekend I get to be “one of the guys” and not just with any group of guys but with some of the coolest guys I know. Most of my time I spend working, working out, reading, alone at home or with my roommate and it can’t compare to what it is like to be surrounded by qaulity friends who love God and who have a common bond.

These trips always make the things of this world seem superfluous. One day I’ll be in heaven without the need to be attached to my Blackberry or my worldly possessions. I won’t stress about being married or having children on endless amounts of bills. Instead I’ll be playing basketball, Ultimate Catch-A-Lot, and riding in golf carts with people that I love.

It struck me as odd to be in the house of someone I hardly knew and then to be eating with them in a matter of minutes. “Ricky will be back soon the client said, his voice filled with expectation.”

“Who’s Ricky?”

“My Fiance”

I continued to pile some sort of spicy seafood melange covered in a yellow curry sauce onto my plate. I couldn’t help but think, “Is this guy saying he’s gay?”

I sat at the table with my plate of food and my chopsticks making small talk that was intended to unearth more information.

“So have you lived here long?”

“Actually this is Ricky’s place, I went through a divorce a while back and I’ve been living here for a while now.”

The plot was thickening like a nice gravy but my question still remained unanswered. I’ve met some homosexual people in my life but none of them had been over the age of 50. In my guesstimation this guy was knocking on the door to 60 and they were saying, “Come on in, we’ve been waiting for you.”

My Thai food was spicy and room temperature and the wine that he served with it only seemed to enhance the spicy curry and heat my mouth up. We weren’t talking about business and I wasn’t exactly enjoying myself and so I didn’t have much to say.

Finally “Ricky” showed up and she turned out to be a woman and “Ricky” was just a nickname. I was relieved, not because I’m a homophobe but because I often feel more comfortable working with women on projects over men who think they know all about web design.  

“You want your site to look like that?” I couldn’t help but say it like I had just smelled a dirty diaper. The site she showed me looked like a pile of crap with a few words of garamound font slapped on it.

“Yes, this woman does things similar to what I do.” I wanted to reply, “So you bore people with droll websites?”

I held my tongue and suddenly realized that this was going to be an evening of educating the customer. However, after an hour of discussion I left with nothing. No plan. No design ideas. No domain name.

I gave Ricky a list of action items and it’s been almost a week and I haven’t heard anything and I’m not surprised. This is the world of web design and this is why before I start working I require a down payment.