The Beginning of My Addiction

I was probably 8 years old the first time I saw pornography. This wasn’t just pictures of nude women in Playboy, but the real deal. It belonged to a relative and one of my cousins found the stash and showed it to me. It was frightening and made me feel sick to my stomach.

Fast-forward to 6th grade. I was only 10 years old in the 6th grade. My classmates snuck Playboy mags into the locker room. Guys would huddle around and look as one boy flipped pages. It would last for all of 5 minutes, no harm done right?

A couple years later I worked at a horse ranch at the age of 12. My boss always treated me like an adult. He let me drive his car. He gave me big responsibilities. He left stacks of porn on his doorstep.

Over the years porn would not be something that I would search for, but something that would pretty much be dropped into my lap, however, my addiction to it didn’t really begin until I was about 24. By this time I was no longer living at home or too busy with college and friends. I had settled into a job. I had an apartment by myself and I had access to the internet as well as years of insecurity and repressed desire. As a christian I knew online pornography was wrong, but hey, at least I wasn’t having sex right?

That’s what you do with porn as a christian – you rationalize and justify the sin down until it almost becomes a good thing. It is the lesser of two evils. For married men they probably tell themselves “Well, at least I’m not cheating”. There is always a reason, a justification and now it has become mainstream. When I was a kid people were ashamed to admit to masturbating. Not so anymore. Movies like “Hall Pass” talk about taking mental pictures and storing them in a “Spank Bank”. Magazines for men and women often discuss the best sites for free porn and even tips on masturbation. In an article I read in Details magazine it stated that 1 in 4 had herpes and while the article made it sound like it was a pretty horrific sexually transmitted disease, that in reality the question was not if you’d get it, but when. Porn, Sex, Masturbation STD’s – they are all no big deal… at least that is the lie we’ve been sold.

There is this constant message in our media that seems to suggest that everyone is having sex and that if you aren’t, something is wrong with you. We use sex to sell everything from cheeseburgers to shampoo and there seems to be very little understanding of romance or real intimacy. Instead the guy that shows any sort of sensitivity or romantic feelings for his wife or girlfriend is considered “whipped” – not chivalrous or masculine.

For me I justified my online pornography use even further because I wasn’t looking at “airbrushed perfection” but instead real people. I liked to go into chat rooms. I thought that there was little harm in this despite the intense shame I felt for hiding this dirty secret and even going online to seek out that type of gratification.

This issue plagued me for years. No one really tells you the consequences of porn or that it is addictive like a drug and that it wreaks havoc on your relationships and your mental health. While as kids we are often told not to do something, we aren’t always educated on the real reason as to why not. The simple answer? Because it is freaking dangerous. Online porn will MESS. YOU. UP. Don’t believe me? Read this article. Kids are becoming registered sex offenders at the age of 13 and even younger. There is an epidemic of children under the age of 17 becoming addicted to viewing online porn.

So what do we do? For starters you need to educate your children – boys and girls – at an early age. Make them aware of the dangers and let them know that it is not right and that it is like a drug. The aforementioned article says this:

‘Our research at the clinic has found that although the internet doesn’t create these problems, it can release interests which would never have surfaced otherwise.’

Meaning that when people of any age are exposed to something like meth, cocaine, heroine, pornography – we don’t know what issues and interests will surface. Will everyone that views online porn have an overwhelming addiction or want to rape and maim? No. But there are some that will.

What do you do if you are already addicted to online porn? GET HELP.

I remember going to a friend and telling him “I’m addicted. I’m almost manic with desire and temptation. I’m going to really mess up.” I had even planned an anonymous rendezvous in a hotel that I never followed through with it – less out of heart conviction and more out of a fear of STD’s. Fortunately my friend told me to go and see a counselor and so I did.

How did I overcome my addiction? 

I think that for me I have to remain extremely humble in this area. As someone who was literally shattered by this sin and failed so many times I truly started to believe that it was something that was impossible to give up. I sort of loved my addiction. It was something that I craved when things got tough. Upset because I didn’t get a job? Look at porn. Just got dumped by a girl? Look at porn. Parental problems? Porn. For me porn was always my answer. It was my drug of choice followed closely by food and spending money.

Jesus is the Answer?

For me Jesus was never the answer to my problems, instead I liked to think that he was the cause. I blamed God for so many things in my life (Being Fat, Losing my Hair, Not being born rich, My skin color, Not being cool enough or smart enough…) and while I preached to others about loving Christ and trusting in him, in my own heart this wasn’t the case. I had all these ill feelings and resentments in my life and I was unwilling to truly trust God to provide for me in the areas that I was coming up short – and in case you haven’t noticed from this article I was coming up short in just about every possible area.

Finally after literally years of trying to fix this problem on my own I got help from a counselor and then later a group of guys that kept me accountable. Yeah, I’d had accountability partners in the past but I mostly just lied to them, but this time it was different. This group of guys were quality with a a capital Q. Solid men who were grounded in truth and were willing to actually listen and care. Through them I found the intimacy in my Christian faith that I had been missing for most of my Christian life. God used these guys to show me that Jesus truly was the answer to my problems, I just wasn’t willing to to let go long enough for him to step in and clean up the mess.

It Wasn’t Easy

So how did I overcome this issue? First of all I had to confess my gross past to these dudes and ask for prayer. Then I had to admit to them when I messed up. I lied a few times at the beginning, but they loved me and were so sincere that eventually I came clean 100%. I let them know when I stumbled and over time the allure of online pornography became less and less – but, the desire to masturbate, the biological need was and is still there. I’ll admit it. I’m a dude. We like sex. Duh. But is there a way to just stop masturbating and to forever go this primal urge? To that I have to say I have no idea. What I do know is that I don’t spend 10 hours a month viewing online porn and masturbating every other day. Over time I realized that my desire to self-gratify came more from the desire to escape from how I was feeling and less about sex. I find that when I have a healthy relationship with the Lord as well as my finances, diet and relationships that there isn’t a great need to compulsively masturbate.

Pressing On

Being a single man of integrity is not easy, but being a single man who is addicted to internet porn isn’t so great either. Eventually my desire to escape from reality to internet porn diminished entirely. This I believe is a sweet, sweet gift that I received from the Holy Spirit and is something I never want to take credit for or take for granted. Like a serial dieter I had become a serial quitter when it came to pornography and each time I gave back in to my temptation it was pure bliss… and then suddenly it wasn’t. It was strange really. I went from being constantly plagued with these desires to suddenly having this feeling of “What are you doing? You aren’t even enjoying this…” Something in me literally clicked. Like a key turning in the lock to release my chains. For the first time I truly felt free. Now in the past I have had these little breakthroughs where I feel like I’ve overcome a big addiction. I’ve lost 20-30 pounds on a diet and vowed never to return to Dr. Pepper only to give in 30, 60, or even 90 days down the road. Normally during these periods of “Break Through” I would still have a craving but I would have willpower or this great feeling of pride in my self and what I had accomplished. My Facebook status would tout my abstinence or achievement and I’d feel good about myself for my amazing willpower. That wasn’t the case this time. For me I had a Romans 12:2 moment where I literally understood first-hand what it meant to no longer be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. I understood the verse in John 8:32 about the truth and how it will set you free and finally I had a new confidence, not in myself, but in Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit and how Paul said in Philippians 1:6 that he who began a good work in me would carry it out until completion. I’m still being worked on. I’m a big fat work in progress, but now I’ve truly decided to take the easy way out and the easy way is trusting in Jesus. Before everyone told me “Oh, that’s the easy way out” when it came to porn, but in reality porn carries a heavy price with it. It traps your mind and warps your thinking. It holds you in bondage so tightly that eventually the sick strain becomes comfortable and you no longer hunger and thirst for the things that will satisfy you, but instead you have an insatiable appetite for something that is destroying you.

Continued Growth

For me the next steps are to continue in deep prayer and connection to the Holy Spirit. I have to constantly guard my eyes and resist even minuscule temptations. In the past I allowed my mind to wander and even invited mental images that would arouse and even justify them as being “not that big of a deal”. Now I know different.  2 Corinthians says “⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” I love that word “Demolish”. I love the idea of obliterating evil thoughts that come into my mind. The same thoughts that would have me believe that this world and all it’s shiny trappings can somehow take the place of Jesus Christ in my life. Those thoughts that I once welcome with open arms I know want to punch in the face. “LIES!” I want to shout in the face of temptation.

Now each day I live with gratitude that my eyes have been opened to see the path of destruction that I was headed down. I am so thankful every day to the 5 men in my accountability group that have walked this final leg of my looong journey through recovery and continue to walk by my side each day in prayer and support.

Finally, I pray that you are not where I was – standing on a precipice waiting for the inevitable fall – and if you are slipping, I hope that you have someone in your life that is reaching out a hand of hope and salvation and if you don’t have that, then please shout for help.

Other Resources and Articles that I Found Helpful

How Jesus Overcame my Porn Addiction

There’s no Such Thing as Free Porn

I used Eddie Traughber as a counselor for a year, he was the first step in my recovery process.

Download or Read online Porn-Again Christian

Feel free to contact me directly if you need to talk or want some help.

Marriage today is struggling. Divorces, adultery, misconceptions, etc are plaguing not only the marriage itself but products of those marriages (my generation and the next). My hope in this poem is to highlight the most frequent and problematic issues marriages face today while also pointing to Jesus as the ultimate healer, redeemer, and restorer of every marriage. Whether single or married, my intention would be that this poem would allow you to look more deeply to Jesus to either better your current marriage, or prepare for your future marriage.

Poem inspiration: http://realmarriagetour.com/

Book that inspired the poem: http://amzn.to/zdxCFv

Jeff’s INFO:
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/jeffersonbethkepage
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/jeffuhsonbethke
website: http://www.jeffbethke.com

Your friends all tell you “Don’t get into a rush, you’ll find the ‘Right One’ soon…” but you expected “soon” to have happened years ago and so you have grown impatient and maybe even a little angry. Trust me. I know. At 35 I’m still single. I’ve had a lot of great relationships (and a few not-so-great) but for some reason (God) they never worked out. I tried various dating sites and participated in various singles groups at church, but here I am, still single – just where God wants me.

I think that as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to appreciate the freedom that being single provides, but more than that, I’ve learned to understand that there can be a joy in the anticipation of waiting. Immediate gratification starts to sour after a while and always getting what we want can really take the fun out of waiting for something great…

This Holiday season is the first year that I have heard of Advent. I’ve been a Christian for 30 years and very active in church and ministry and so how has this wonderful tradition escaped me? While attending The Village Church in Denton they showed us this great video. It is a “must-watch” this Holiday season.

Advent: God With Us from The Village Church on Vimeo.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait…

I love this video and how it repeatedly says that the Israelites “Waited”. They waited on a Savior, they waited on Jesus. They waited for this Messiah that was going to set them free from the curse of the law. Abraham and Sarah waited. Over and over in the Bible we see people waiting for the Lord and when they wait patiently, there is this great blessing. But what happens when we get impatient? What happened with Abraham, Sarah and Hagar? We try to come up with alternative solutions that circumvent God’s perfect plan for us and in the end it only leaves us miserable and in pain.

So this year I rejoice in knowing that the Lord has something great in store for me whether that is a single life which allows me much more freedom and flexibility or a wife (and kids?) that will allow for more challenges and opportunity to grow. Either way I’m complete in Jesus Christ. This year I’m not looking around for a woman to fill some Holiday void. There are no voids this season. This year I’m focused on Jesus, His birth and His ultimate gift and I wait patiently, but with much anticipation and joy, for his return.

Be blessed this Holiday Season!

-Eddie Renz

Eddie is an avid fan of Lord of the Rings, Adobe Software, Dr. Pepper and Apple products. He is the graphic and web designer for The Hub.

What makes community important? It is our community that shapes and defines us. We have this desperate need to belong to a part of something and if that something brings us joy and excitement, well, then all the better. Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, Stumbleupon, and a host of other online groups are all communities that people want to be a part of, but within those communities we place ourselves in much more granular communities.

Why is this important? Because we will go – and stay – wherever we find the most acceptance and comfort with who we are. If you are fat, you will often surround yourself with other fat people. If you are gay, then you might be in a gay community where you find acceptance and if you are pervert then there are a host of communities online that will accept you. Once you find that acceptance then you start to feel that you are “okay” with how you are because people love and accept you no inspite of your inadequacies, but because of your inadequacies. If you are fat and you suddenly slim down, you lose your fat friends. If you smoke and you stop smoking, your friends literally disappear in a puff of smoke. If you are single and you get married, well, more than likely you’ll see those single friends less and less.

That is why it is so important as believers that we “consider how to spur one another on toward love and good deeps, let us not give up of meeting together as some are in the habit of doing…” – as Christians we need to find acceptance in our church body inspire of our faults. We accept each other because our commonality is the love of Christ, not our muscle size, bank account size, the fancy shoes we wear or the type of sports that we watch or play.

Unfortunately, in many of our church communities we don’t spend time with each other on a real level. When we are at church or around our church friends we become a forced perfect version of ourselves. We don’t share our struggles. We don’t listen and we lack grace. But on an up note, I’ve noticed a big change in that in recent months and a new understanding of the importance of mentors, counseling, and community.

So go, join a small group, a sports team, or something positive where someone challenges you to be a better version of yourself. Don’t just fall into a groove of acceptance in a mediocre community that allows you to just exist and won’t accept you for who you are if you chance.

I don’t mind the children being there early or late for that matter. I only have to get to see them for a couple of hours a week and it’s those last or first few minutes that can be quite enlightening. For instance, one of my only black students once said to me, “My parents are at the black church this morning, Morse St. Baptist, so they may be running late, you know how black churches are.” He said, holding up his hand and then saying, “No offense.” I wasn’t sure why I would be offended except that maybe my brown skin color is often deemed “questionable”. When I had hair that was mostly straight and black, I was rarely confused as an African American, but over the years my hair has deserted me, like so many of my friends, and the ones I have left I hold onto dearly, never realizing how much I cared until they were gone. Now that I’m larger and bald, I’m often mistaken as African American, but I can assure, offense for the misinterpretation of my race, is never taken.

This morning one of my particularly challenging students was standing next to me. This is a rarity as normally he is kicking balls as hard as he can at the ceiling or walls. I think his sole purpose there is to see if he can maim himself or another student but make it look like an accident. He loves to find a rolling chair and then push it as fast as he can toward the stairs and then jump in it. I think God has sent an angel to stop the chair right before it hurtles down the stairs with the student in it – but sometimes I secretly wish it would happen just so I could say, “I told you so.” But he never falls and I don’t get my wish.

And speaking of “I told you so’s”… I love them. It makes us feel superior and there is nothing like being right that makes me feel more superior than someone else. Then there’s that feeling that they received the punishment that they deserved because they hadn’t listened to you. So maybe you lost a hand, big deal, how you feel at that moment doesn’t matter, your pain is inconsequential what matters is, “I told you so.”

We smile at ourselves because we had foreseen the danger like a prophet or a psychic with a crystal ball. We pat ourselves on the back with pride and we gloat as we share the story with our friends, “Did you see Sally? Yeah, I kept telling her to stay away from the poison ivy, but she just wouldn’t listen. Now she’s practically disfigured by it, but I told her so.” We say, tisking our tongue and shaking our head with false sympathy.

So back to the student, we’ll call him Billy, was just standing next to me when another student said, “Hey, you guys are twins!” It was an obvious joke since Billy has the physical make up of slightly cooked spaghetti. He’s all arms and legs and when he moves he appears to be about to fall over at any moment – like Gumby, but thinner.

Billy looked up at me, his face contorting with terror as he stared at my head. “I am not that… FAT!” The word jutted out of his mouth less like an insult and more a statement of fact – however, it still stung like an insult as I was expecting the word: tall, bald, brown, big – I was not expecting FAT in all caps with an exclamation attached.

I’ve become accustomed to being called names. I don’t even mind the occasional insult to keep me humble, but the three students nearby made audible gasps of shock and dismay. “WHAT! Oh my word.” It was clear that even at 11 years old they knew it was impolite if not down-right rude to call someone fat. I would say that in America, despite that fact that the majority of us are over-weight, fat is quite possibly one of the most cruel insults, more hurtful than say being called retarded or ugly, neither of which is not a consequence of gluttony and ugly is really a matter personal opinion.

Billy’s parents pulled up and waved, I stuck my hand up and waved back as if I were on a parade float. Their was no real emotion in my hand because for a moment I was still on “pause”. That’s what happens sometimes when you are insulted. Your brain doesn’t know how to react, especially when you are at church, surrounded by others and in reality, the statement was true – I am indeed fat. Not rotund or obese. There will not be a need for a crane to lift me into my casket when I die, but yes, I am indeed FAT. I guess the only insulting part of his statement was the exclamation mark on the end of FAT! and since he is only 11 and being home-schooled, I’ll assume that his parents haven’t yet taught him manners or grammar yet and let it slide.

I honestly believe my conversion was real, but for most of my youth I believed that Salvation was something that could be lost and so I repeatedly prayed to receive Christ and “recommitted” my life to Christ at several church camps.

It wasn’t until I started attending Denton Bible Church in the 8th grade that I learned that salvation is a free gift that is not earned or deserved. Ephesians 2:8,9 It is not something that is given and then taken away. If salvation could be lost then it would mean that my righteousness was what was keeping me saved – and clearly that is not the case.

Salvation comes when we confess with our mouth and believe in our heart that Jesus Christ is Lord. Romans 10:9, John 3:16

Encountering God is something that is life-changing and having received Christ at such a young age I often took his grace and security for granted. It has taken me years to truly begin to appreciate who he is in my life and my desire to attend seminary is to better understand him and his word.

I get emotional when I see some great act of kindness or integrity or honor. I find myself weeping with joy when I see a soldier reunited with his family or a father reunited with his son.

I’m no longer ashamed of my emotion or my capacity to feel or love or understand. It may appear a weakness to some, but I believe it is my greatest strength. We love Christ because he first loved us and so when we emulate Christ we love others and then in return we are loved.

Lately I’ve been shown love in such great capacity that I cannot help but see that people love me because of Christ and hopefully because I showed them how much I love and care about them. To me, each person in my life is special and I hope to somehow touch their lives by just loving them for who they are and letting them know that they are special to me.

There was a time in my life when I found myself chasing despair and I literally cried out to God asking him to send me some friends. I was desperate and God heard my cry and now my cup runneth over with friends – and not just shallow friends, but true friends who I can count on in a pinch and who don’t just tell me that they love me, but show me.

I’m humbled every day by how great my life is and how good God has been to me. For so long I found myself whining on this very website feeling sorry for myself or being upset about something in my life, but what I’ve learned over the past 34 years is that God truly is in control and he knows what is best for me.

I don’t know who all reads Posted Note anymore. I don’t write here as much because when I’m happy it seems I have so much less to say. But if you are lonely, or tired, or if life has got you down… asking Jesus into your heart won’t immediately make all your problems go away. You may have heard that, but it is a lie. What is true though, what is a sweet reality is that with Jesus on your side you always win. There is a sweet peace that comes from knowing that God works all things out for good for those that love him and although it might not seem like it at the time when times are tough – he really is working behind the scenes making awesome things happen.

So if you don’t know Jesus. If you don’t have a personal relationship with him. If you have not encountered the love of God, then what are you waiting for? God wants to be part of your life. He created you to glorify him and Christ came that we might have life and have it to the full.

I love you and hope you are blessed.

Eddie

So I’m asking you this question seriously, what exactly is targeted toward 5th and 6th grade boys and girls? Hannah Montana? High School Musical? Or are they already over that? It seems that these students are in that age where they are still wholly kids and at the same time smart enough that you can’t be too silly with them. So I’m learning the ropes and it can be quite frightening.

Every Sunday when I prepare my talk I’m humbled by how little I know. I have these great ideas and the more I dig for answers the more questions I find myself asking. Like who are the “Nephilim” mentioned in Genesis 6? And why are we teased with this supernatural nugget and then denied the dipping sauce? Can I get some more info please?

So what are my current needs? Prayer. Wisdom. Leaders. In that order.

I know God has me in this role for a reason and I’m almost always terrified for the first 6 months after starting a new job because I like to be supremely confident in my abilities, but thankfully I know the verse:

2 Corinthians 12:9 (New International Version)

⁹But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

So yeah, I’m weak, and God is going to rock it out.

Right now I’m being squeezed, but only mildly. I’m under pressure with putting my house on the market and trying to get it ready all while being financially strapped. I’ve mixed paint colors to make them stretch and I’ve spent money that I didn’t have to get things done so my house will sell.

The house looks great, but my checkbook looks like a nightmare. I feel the weight of change bearing down on me and although times are hard now, it’s really nothing in the grand scheme of things.  When it comes right down to it, money problems aren’t so bad, I’ve got my health and good friends and the electricity is still running for now.

But the point of this Posted Note is not to talk about me, but to talk about Caden Miller. Cody and Amy Miller’s son is being tested for Cystic Fibrosis on Tuesday March 9, 2010 at 1 p.m.  I can’t imagine the kind of stress that would put on parents. I don’t have kids, but from what I’ve heard when you have a child of your own it opens up a new capacity for love that you didn’t know could exist.

Life is funny like that. It has a singular way of balancing things out. The greater the love, the greater the loss. The bigger the joy, the bigger the pain.

My heart hurts for Cody and Amy and for all parents who have to deal with sick children. I don’t know what it would be like not being able to fix something for them that is broken. Not to be able to take away their pain and to make their lives easy and blissful. But I don’t think God put us on this Earth to have easy lives. Easy would get boring after a while.

I’d like to think that I would have the courage to bear up under the pressure of a great adversity, but I don’t know what it would do to me. So far my biggest challenges in life have been to deal with personal struggles that really don’t amount to much more than me feeling sorry for myself at times and envious at others. Perspective can really make you feel ashamed of yourself.

If you have a moment, pray for Caden and the Miller family. I know that Cody is strong enough to face any adversity, but I’d rather he didn’t have to. Nope. I’d prefer that Caden be healthy and strong and happy for many years to come and I believe in healing and that God can make him healthy no matter what the outcome on Tuesday.

With Love,

Eddo

I’m not sure that there has ever been a more untrue children’s mantra. I think bones heal long before wounds created by words.

While at Boyd High School in McKinney I saw this circle of flowers right in the middle of the hall area where students enter. I asked this student, “What is with those flowers?”

“A Student Died, a freshman…”

“Was it suicide?”

“Yes, he was picked on a lot.”

This type of things makes me sick to my stomach. As someone who was bullied incessantly all throughout school I know what it is like to wake up every single day and dread going to class and facing cruel peers. Toss in hormonal imbalance and pressures at home and you have a recipe for disaster – especially if you feel like you have no place to turn or no one in your corner.

My mom was always there for me when I was hurt by words, but it took years for that pain to heal.

The student I was mentoring today brought up the subject of using false confidence as a way to push back the negativity. He said that he was picked on in 6th grade and that he became good at defending himself by insulting students back. I did the same thing. It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I really started to understand that when I tear someone down it is really just me trying to make myself feel better about me.

Eventually I gained self-confidence and I stopped insulting others or comparing myself to others. It’s a lesson in futility – there is always someone in the world that is better than you at something or has something better than yours. It is so much better to just be content with what you have and to find peace in the Lord. It’s really so freeing when you’ve finally taken a hold of that concept.

If you have young students, please remind them that words do hurt and that if they are being picked on that they can come to you and talk about it. Then do something to help them in their situation. If nothing else, just be there to listen and to love on them – a little love can go a long way to healing a broken spirit.