The Manly Manual VII


Manly Men only need 3 things, food, the love of a good woman, and hobbies. There isn’t a hierarchy here either, they are all intimately intertwined with one another and when one area is lacking then the whole system starts to fall apart.

Hobbies are essential for men. When God was making man in his own image, he made little men that would obsess about putting together airplanes, playing video games, basketball, ultimate frisbee, and karate. When he saw all of us spending countless hours, sometimes ridiculous amounts of time watching football, he saw that it was good.

When God saw that Adam was having to fix his own snacks he made woman as a help mate for us. In Genisis it says, “And God created Eve with a special ability to fix a plate of Nachos and to refill a beverage so Adam didn’t have to get up from his hammock.”

So if you are a manly man, don’t worry about spending too much money on that over-sized television or that deer lease. Don’t get all worked up when you can’t pull yourself away from an all day game of Ultimate Frisbee, instead, embrace your inner manliness and tell your “Eve” to get you another sandwich because you are just being who God made you to be!

Hygeine Manly

The Manly Manual – V

Gift Wrapping

Men were not born with the innate abiity to gift wrap. If you have it, then you need to try to purge that effiminate quality from yourself and join the rest of us who only recently started to use our opposable thumbs.

Gift wrapping is complex. It requires coordinating colors and (gasp) bows and then tying it all up nice and pretty. Not to mention you have to put some thought into the actual gift inside! Ugh.

Manly men instead find something handy or nearby that is sparkly or shiny – like a broken vase or a bag of half-used glitter – and we toss that in a wad of newspaper, preferably the comic section, and add some duct tape. BAM! Instant gift. The very fact that you remembered that there was an occasion for having a gift is gift enough. Your gift recipient will be so wowed that they will probably shower you with affection, which is fine, just don’t show how much you enjoy it. Instead, push them away, you know, like the Heisman Trophy, a quick stiff arm to the jaw or neck region should do the trick. If they make it past your arm and they embrace you, quickly turn it into a wrestling session, pin them to the ground or body slam them. This way, everyone has a good time while showing affection and looking manly.

Caution: We don’t suggest body-slamming small children, instead, gently kick them with the side of your foot or knee softly under the chin and then act like it was an accident. Little cute kids are the fastest way to expose your non-manly interior.

Lastly, if you feel the slightest bit of emotion during the holidays or around special occasions, hide it by wearing lots of plaid flannel, not shaving or bathing, and grunting a lot. For some of you this won’t be much of a change from your current everyday status, but for others this may involve a bit of effort.

In the end, we know you are trying to be manly in a world that is ever-increasinly soft and frilly, and so we applaud your effort, but not too much, we don’t want you thinking we give a damn – cause we don’t.

So go out and show your relatives and friends how much you love them by giving them a thought-filled gift. Cause we all know it’s the thought that counts. (P.S. Sometimes I actually write on the package how much thought went into the gift in seconds or minutes, that really makes it special!)


The Manly Manual – Part IV

When it comes to cooking there is only one thing you need to know: Put it on the grill. Everything can be cooked on the grill 365 days a year and it tastes better that way. Save the baking and casseroles for the ladies and their Mary Kay and Pampered Chef parties. Manly men stick to foods like steak and bratwurst. Until you are married these are pretty much the only things you need to eat anyway.

Also, and this is a bonus note only because we are talking about food: There is no man, manly or not, that knows how to tear Saran Wrap. That stuff was created specifically to turn those of us hopped up on too much testosterone into homicidal maniacs. We suggest not eveny buying the stuff and for that matter, there is really no need, just eat all of the food you make, even when you’ve made what you think is too much, trust us, if you eat through the pain it will all go down.


Manly Manual – Installment 3

Gold Bond Medicated Powder

Manly men sweat. We sweat especially when we play sports or when we are camping or hunting or doing manly things. Because of this it is necessary to protect yourself from itchiness and rashes with Gold Bond medicated powder – in the crotch and groin area.

You can’t use baby powder or some other form of talcum powder, it has to be Gold Bond. If you are extra manly you will use the Extra Strength Gold Bond while you are still wet after a shower.  Apply directly to your brussel sprouts. That burning sensation let’s you know that you are alive and that you are indeed a man.


The Manly Manual – Continued

Manly men enjoy competition in every area of life. Who can eat the most enchiladas, who can jump highest, who is the strongest, who has the biggest… everything. You will not win at all of these competitions and if you are in need of this manual then you will most likely lose many of them, but what is important is participating in them. Never back down froma challenge no matter how idiotic.

Once I worked for Boeing Defense and Space in Corinth and there were these tall tables that we used to build cables on. They met me right about where my belly button is and at 6′ 5″ that is a pretty tall table. JD, one of my manly teammates on an all-male team, could stand flat-footed and easily jump up on the table. Others tried and failed and for a long time I resisted the urge to partake in this boneheadery until at last I gave in. I stood flat-footed and launched myself into the air just high enough to get my toes on the table – then I lost my balance and started pinwheeling my arms wildly to maintain balance. Everything was happening in slow motion, even my fall seemed to take forever. I hit the floor hard barely missing a metal ledge that surely would have cracked my skull, but in the end I was a hero just for trying and FAILING miserably. That is one thing that all men have in common, the love of a good failure. But that is a whole other chapter.

For now, focus on what you are good at and then the next time you are with a group of males, let the games begin!