It’s 7:00 p.m. and we’ve arrived in Arlington at the University of Texas. My sister is about to graduate…

I remember my own college graduation as being anti-climactic. After 7 years of hard work and graduating without any student loans I felt as though there should have been a greater feeling of completion. We went to Good Eats after graduation and that was it.

My sister’s graduation was a little better. There were two parties planned leading up to her graduation and relatives came into town from Oklahoma to help celebrate.

When we walked into the auditorium my real dad was there standing by the aisle in a nice suit and tie. I was expecting to see him there, but I never really know exactly what to say when I am around him. He’s like a second cousin twice removed that looks like an older, shorter, rounder version of me.

I give him a hug and then move to the far end of the row to get me a seat. My step-dad sat in the row in front of me and we laughed and joked and talked and it seemed odd that after so many years that we are desperately close. We laugh at each others jokes and we have fun together, real fun like I have when I am with my buddies.

I looked down the long row and saw my real dad sitting down there next to some of my sister’s friends. I wanted to say something, but I didn’t know what to say.

The day before I had seen my real dad at a graduation luncheon. Once again I was at one end of a 35 person table and he was at the other. I was infinitely aware of the distance that separated us both literally and figuratively.

I distracted myself with conversation with my step-dad and a friend of the family Eliana. Eliana has a 1 year old boy who is beautiful and sweet. I held him tightly and pressed his cheeks against mine as he stood on my leg. His warm chubbiness felt like a small piece of forever was sitting their in my grasp and I never wanted to let him go.

I saw my real dad looking at me while I was holding Elijah. I wondered what he thought. I wondered if he had ever held me like this. If my cheeks had pressed to his and if so,  had he felt that feeling that I was feeling at that moment? If he had, how could he have ever let me go?

No tags

I thought I was complete
I’d dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s
But before you, I was a run on sentence
An incomplete phrase, an unfinished book
A knight without a princess in a tower
A hero without anyone to save.
A frog that had never been kissed.

Before love came into my life
I was an empty glass waiting to be filled.
Perfectly complete, but somehow empty.

You are my silence when the world is yelling
My hope when all seems lost
My support when the ground is shifting
My warmth on a cold night

Until you I’d never known longing
True joy was just beyond my reach
It was as if I’d spent my life in a coma
And now suddenly I am awake… and I don’t ever want to go back to sleep.

No tags

Song of Solomon 8:6

If I ever find someone that captures my heart in such a way that I will ask them to spend the rest of my life with me, I can only imagine death ending that love. 

 I’ve been going to a lot of weddings lately and they have all been such wonderful  and joyous occasions, however, 50% of marriages end in divorce. Why is that? What happens after the ”I Do’s” that cause people to want to call it quits?  It is jealousy? Abuse? Or is it our culture that allows us to renig on our commitment with a minimal amount of remorse or regret?

No tags

I was walking into my apartment a couple of weeks ago when my neighbor was heading into his. He stopped on his way up the stairs, his dimunitive size emphasized by the fact that even on 3 stairs up he was still at my eye level. “Is it just you? Only one?” He said in broken english.

“Yes, it’s just me.” I replied and for some reason feeling exposed as if living alone was on par with having my fly open in a public place.

“Me too” he said, “Just one” and then he held up a tiny brown finger. He smiled at our shared commonality. We are worlds apart, but in that single phrase we are exactly the same. “Just One”

His face is old and tired looking. His clothes are drab and most likely purchased from a garage sale or Goodwill.  As he trudged up the stairs I was slapped in the face by a sudden realization – that could be me in 20 years.  I could be a single old man with other people coming by to visit to smoke cigarettes and trample around all hours of the night keeping the single young man that lives below me from sleeping at night. 

An image burns in my head, an image forged from the fires of too much television and a vivid imagination. Me. Alone. Sitting in my white striped boxers on a tweed couch eating a frozen dinner and watching daytime soaps. The apartment is spartan with few furnishings and a large ashtray filled with cigarette butts. Time ticking away slowly as I watch the clock and wait for my next program to start. The numbers are worn off on the remote, but no worries, I have it memorized as it has become my best and most reliable companion. Bitterness has crept in over the years and in it’s cruelty has stripped me of everything that I ever held dear. Now I sit hoping for the Lord’s return or my eminent demise so I can be rid of this tired burden called Life.

Do you know, what I mean, when I say, I don’t want to be alone…

Do you know what I mean when I say, “I don’t want to be alone”?
What I mean when I say, “I don’t want to be alone”
What I mean when I say, “I don’t want to be alone”…

*Oh, and by the way, this postis just a creative exercise… don’t take it too seriously. I have no doubt that I will find someone and if I don’t then I can just order a bride from China. Also I don’t smoke and don’t plan on starting.

No tags

Rarely do I watch movies that are so enjoyable that I’d like to see them again and again. Beautiful movies are like this, bits of poetry, and of course music. Stranger than Fiction is a beautiful movie. Go and rent it and watch it with someone you love – or possibly, someone you might want to love.

No tags

I’ve been keeping it a secret for so long now and it has been eating away at me. That is the problem with secrets, lies and deception, holding onto them is sometimes harder than dealing with the truth. So now it’s time to face the music. To put an end to all the questions that everyone keeps asking and so here, today, on the 4th of March I am going to confess this terrible secret so that I no longer have to carry this burden alone. Even more, I must ask for forgiveness in advance because what I have done goes against everything that I stand for. Everything that I have ever taught the guys that I mentor, everything my parents ever taught me.

So here it is… I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

 There. That feels better. It’s out there now and I can deal with it. The world can stop wondering who the father is, it’s me.  I also shaved Britney’s head and Angelina Jolie is going to leave Brad Pitt and we are going to raise Baby Daniella together with her adopted son Maddox. Suri Cruise will also move in with us and we will be a blended family to beat all blended families.

No tags

Two years ago in January Cody Miller’s dad Steve passed away. He had a very short battle with cancer and the cancer won. It is ironic that so often someone has to die before you truly start to understand how great they were. Steve was one of those people that did so much behind the scenes that you never really knew just how much he did until he was no longer doing it. He worked hard for his family and for the community and he loved his family with every part of him. He was unselfish and he showed his love with his actions and his words. So what does this have to do with Valentine’s Day?

Valentine’s Day came just a month after Steve’s passing. It rudely reminded us all of the fact that Steve would not be sharing this special day with any of us and most of all with his beloved wife. What most people would do on a day like this is stay inside and wrap themselves in a dark cloak of depression and mourn what they have lost. Instead, the Miller’s decided to celebrate Valentine’s Day together and to be surrounded by love. I was privileged to be a part of this small gathering and we all enjoyed spending time together at Benihana surrounding ourselves with laughter and good memories of Steve.

Last year I was out of town on Valentine’s Day, but this year we once again went to Benihana to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Again I was honored to be with the Miller’s. They always treat me like one of the family and when you are with them you can’t help but feel extremely loved.

I know that one day I will be married and maybe then I will want to spend Valentine’s Day with her alone, but really I can’t think of a better way to spend Valentine’s Day. Take this one day and just stop and tell the people that you love how much you love them. Don’t get caught up in the hype and spending money, instead, call your mom, call your dad, call your kids and tell them how much they mean to you, because one day you might wake up and they won’t be there.

And Steve, I never told you what a great dad you were, but if I had to do it over again I would stop and tell you. You did a great job with your family and we still miss you very much.

No tags