Hygeine Manly

The Manly Manual – V

Gift Wrapping

Men were not born with the innate abiity to gift wrap. If you have it, then you need to try to purge that effiminate quality from yourself and join the rest of us who only recently started to use our opposable thumbs.

Gift wrapping is complex. It requires coordinating colors and (gasp) bows and then tying it all up nice and pretty. Not to mention you have to put some thought into the actual gift inside! Ugh.

Manly men instead find something handy or nearby that is sparkly or shiny – like a broken vase or a bag of half-used glitter – and we toss that in a wad of newspaper, preferably the comic section, and add some duct tape. BAM! Instant gift. The very fact that you remembered that there was an occasion for having a gift is gift enough. Your gift recipient will be so wowed that they will probably shower you with affection, which is fine, just don’t show how much you enjoy it. Instead, push them away, you know, like the Heisman Trophy, a quick stiff arm to the jaw or neck region should do the trick. If they make it past your arm and they embrace you, quickly turn it into a wrestling session, pin them to the ground or body slam them. This way, everyone has a good time while showing affection and looking manly.

Caution: We don’t suggest body-slamming small children, instead, gently kick them with the side of your foot or knee softly under the chin and then act like it was an accident. Little cute kids are the fastest way to expose your non-manly interior.

Lastly, if you feel the slightest bit of emotion during the holidays or around special occasions, hide it by wearing lots of plaid flannel, not shaving or bathing, and grunting a lot. For some of you this won’t be much of a change from your current everyday status, but for others this may involve a bit of effort.

In the end, we know you are trying to be manly in a world that is ever-increasinly soft and frilly, and so we applaud your effort, but not too much, we don’t want you thinking we give a damn – cause we don’t.

So go out and show your relatives and friends how much you love them by giving them a thought-filled gift. Cause we all know it’s the thought that counts. (P.S. Sometimes I actually write on the package how much thought went into the gift in seconds or minutes, that really makes it special!)

Hygeine Movie Reviews

Superbad… and the title should have clued me in.

Last night a friend and I went to the movies. It was my second night to go to the movies, which use to be normal for me, but now that I have a house I don’t really seem to have much time to do anything other than “house stuff”.

So I asked Josh, “What do you want to see?” and he said, “Superbad”. I told him I didn’t want to see it and then later I told him that I did want to see it because the reviews (The ones I heard on TV that should never be trusted) were really good. That should have been my second clue.

As I sat there watching and in the first 15 minutes they start to talk about porn casually and what monthly subscription to purchase and using every sexual word imaginable I knew that I had made a mistake. The good angel on my right shoulder told me that I needed to walk out, but the lazy demon on my left told me that it was probably going to get better and that I could ignore the crass humor and let it slide.

After 2 ours of hearing the F word about 300 times, the D word no less than 400 times, and the V word more times than any other movie or gynecologist has ever uttered in his entire career I once again told myself that I should leave – but I didn’t. I sat there laughing on occasion and being grateful that I hadn’t paid for the movie myself. Even worse, I was with Josh who I should be mentoring and keeping from trash like this, but in reality, it’s not something we haven’t seen or heard, it’s just that it’s not something that you want your kids to ever see or hear and so the horror of it wasn’t that I was watching it with 23 yr. old world savvy Josh, but that teens would be watching this movie and laughing hysterically about a movie that had no single redeeming quality. The entire film is about sex and the various forms of sex and the quantity and multiple partners of which someone should be having sex with.

Soooo…. don’t go see it. It’s actually worse than Grindhouse – not as hard on the stomach or the eyes, but the ears… my dear word will they ever be clean again? I think not.

 On an upnote… tonight I have date #3 with Mary… We’re going to dinner with some old friends of mine – there will be 7 adults and 3 kids and so I don’t even know if you can call this a date – this is really in the “dating” realm of things. We seem to be moving along swimmingly as they say.


Is that cocaine on your crotch?

Nope, it’s just Gold Bond medicated powder! You see here sonny, Gold Bond medicated powder works wonders during the summer when you are sweating a bunch. Ever heard of Pizza Bumper? Jock Itch? Well, if you use a little Gold Bond you don’t hafta worry bout’ neither.

So today I used a little too much Gold Bond powder. I mean, all you do is pull out your underwear or boxers and sprinkle liberally. But today I was in a hurry and so I sort of squeezed the bottle and a whole bunch came out and I just didn’t worry about it. Later when I went to the bathroom I didn’t think anything of it either, but when I got to the mirror and the sink to wash my hands I had this bunch of white powder on my crotch. haha. It’s really more funny than gross or embarrassing and the white powder was definitely not cocaine… that stuff is way too expensive to be dusting your privates with it.