So a little history here on why this is important…

For years I haven’t been buying groceries to eat at home because when I go to the grocery store I always buy healthy food and that is expensive and a good portion of the time it rots before I get a chance to eat it. However, I have no problem eating junk food when I am eating out. I love a good Burrito Ultima from Taco Cabana or a plate of chicken fried rice from the local Jade Palace. It’s quick and easy and I enjoy the convenience of eating out, however, we all know eating out gets very expensive. I started adding up my eating out budget and I realized that I spend a minimum of 1000 dollars a month on food and entertainment! Ugh. After I pay all my bills I have 2,000 dollars left over and I spend 1000-1,500 on playing. The rest goes to random expenses that come up, new underwear, a trip to visit friends, home repairs and decorations. I am literally eating and playing myself out of a future.

I enjoy eating at home when the food is good and so I decided that I would save money if I just made the foods I love at the house instead of allowing myself to eat them when I am out and in a hurry.

It’s weird to come to this conclusion after all these years. I mean I am pretty much the same now as I was 5 years ago. I seem to stay about the same weight, however, I also keep spending the same amount of money eating out. Well, yesterday that changed.

I found this Edodontist on my healthcare provider’s website. He was the only one available to do the procedure on such a short notice. When I first met him I thought I was meeting some techno dance club owner, not someone who had spent a good deal of his life in the classroom. His head was shaved as smooth as Mr. Clean’s, he wore his shirt unbuttoned one button too far down and he had a gold chain hanging against his caramel colored skin. He was of an undiscernable ethnic descent, but if I had to guess I would say Mexipimpican, because he could have been Mexican or he could have been a pimp - or both.

I’m surprised that when the nurse laid me back in the chair that the doctor didn’t arrive with a purple mink hat and coat.  I can picture him wearing platform shoes and smoking on a cigarrette with one of those long sticks atttached to it. Right before the procedure he would turn on some James Brown and break it down to get me in the mood for my root canal. Both the procedures would prove to be unpleasant.

Yesterday was hellacious. After the root canal I single handedly pulled off a Department Meeting/Birthday Party. I put together 30 gift bags filled with candy and toys. Made large bowls of pineapple punch, purchased decorations, cupcakes, chips, popcorn, fruit trays, cookies and put together a PowerPoint presentation that would dazzle the Mata Hari.

By the time 5:00 had rolled around I had eaten nothing. For breakfast I had allowed myself a tall Cafe Latte. I don’t remember if I asked for decaf and was disappointed in this oversight. Latte’s are made with milk and yes, I know I am not supposed to have it, but I was about to have a root canal, I had just broken up with my girlfriend, my foot was still in a dang boot, and people, I was having trouble holding my shit stuff together. So I splurged and then didn’t eat for the rest of the day because my face was not in the mood.  Food kept trying to talk to me and my face was like, “no, nope, I’m not hearing it”.

While watching David Cook win American Idol last night I made some refried beans with a little bit of butter and olive oil and grilled onions. I ate it like a dip with chunks of fresh red pepper. It was really good.

Then I made the mistake of bringing home some leftover treats from the party at work. I brought them home for Josh, but the large bag of popcorn looked very tempting. I ate a couple of pieces and then devoured the entire 10 pound bag. Just kidding. I did eat a little bit, not so much that I worried about it, but I shouldn’t have eaten any at all. I blame stress again, and hunger. A tall coffee, a bowl of beans and red pepper are hardly enough food for a man of my size - or anyone for that matter.

I got up this morning and weighed 327.8 and so that little bit of popcorn made me gain .6 pounds. Haha. Just Kidding, I am sure that it is just a fluctation and tomorrow  I will be at 326. We’ll see.

On a more positive note, Fred has lost 6 pounds on his low carb diet in 3 days. Go Fred! Go over to his website and send him some encouragement. Diets are hard people. 

Some people have asked me about the Dr. Natura and I have to admit I really don’t recommend it. It is so nasty and I don’t really notice and real positive affects. Maybe it’s working? Maybe not. Maybe it would work better if I was eating more?

For example: Why is it that when a man gets hit in his genitals it hurts his stomach? Well, before puberty our testicles haven’t dropped and so they are up close to our stomach region. So post puberty the balls do their thing and drop, but the stomach still remembers them.

Why am I bringing this up? Because I was watching Scrubs and Dr. Cox got “man checked” by his son. A quick fist to the groin area and he was down for the count. Soooo, I thought I would be a teacher and share this piece of information with you, my beloved readers.

TI has won the USCAA national track meet for the last 7 years and plans to win this year as well.

I had a leg 1 inch shorter than the other and Dr. Thai hooked me up. I’ll dig up his phone number and place it on here. He is in Plano off of Legacy and Coit and even if your back isn’t hurt, you should go see him and get it adjusted. It is necessary and good for you!

I slept last night rather well and when I woke up to go pee I didn’t have much pain. I almost thought I could go in to work today and then after a few steps around the house the pain awakened inside my spine and sciatic nerve like a demon spawn. I can feel it kicking and scratcihng and tearing away at my insides. It snakes its way down my spine to my kidneys and down the side of my right leg. If I am still, it goes to sleep, but it doesn’t like it when I get up or when I try to sit back down.

I am scared to go to a chiropractor or a doctor. I am afraid of what they might say. I will not accept the fact that something is seriously wrong, this is something that will go away as long as I am determined to just make it go away.

And the pain, the pain is such that it has left me focused on nothing else. My house is dirty, who cares, I can barely put on socks or underwear without screaming out in pain, the house and chores can wait. Fortunately, I can sit at this computer and type away with little pain. I have homework to do and so I can work on it and I can read blogs. Daytime television is so boring that it will make me want to commit suicide and so I don’t even bother with that. My buddy Joe told me about a book I should read called “The ABS Diet”, but I haven’t taken the time to go to Barnes and Noble to take a look at it and I am trying to keep my walking to a minimum since I look like I am disabled when I walk, especially when I have a shooting pain and I sort of buckle midstep.

On the upside, the weather has been great and so I slept with my windows open last night. It rained here in Plano and so I slept so peacefully. My neighborhood was as quiet as a tomb until the rain started to fall. There was thunder and it sounded so powerful and strong that I remember thinking that there must be a God and he sure is amazing. Then I drifted off to sleep lying in a mummified position wishing that this same God would remove the demon that has possessed my spine.

This picture is of the field in the American Airlines Center in Dallas

Actually, I started really gearing up my workouts during December. I ate whatever I wanted right up until today where I started my diet. I decided on taking the 1200 calorie approach while still minimizing my carb intake. The crazy thing is that I don’t feel hungry and I am half wondering if I am doing the math right. I had an apple for breakfast and a chicken sandwich and 8 nuggets from Chick-Fil-A for lunch. Nuggets? Hey, they were 280 calories, that sandwich was only 270 calories and they were quite satisfying. Now I’ll have a salad or a bowl of soup for dinner and I will be under my 1200 total calories with ease. The crazy thing is, I don’t feel like I eat a whole lot more than this on a regular basis, but in reality I do. I also drink a lot more calories when I am not watching what I eat and drinking calories is never a good thing because you consume them all so fast.

Back to being a football player…

My goal is to get down to about 275 and to be able to run about a 4.7 second 40 yard sprint. I’m actually surprisingly fast for someone that normally weighs around 330-350. I play frisbee on the weekends and I hold my own and then some most of the time and so I feel like if I actually train for speed and weight loss and muscular development and flexibility and core strength then I have a good shot at making the team.

So right now my workout is this:

Monday: Yoga Stregth 1.5 hours
Tuesday: Yoga Stretching class 1.5 hours
Wednesday: Aerobics class plus weightlifting 2.5 hours
Thursday: Yoga Stretching
Friday: Yoga Strength 1.5 hours
Saturday: Ultimate Frisbee and weights 2-4 hours
Sunday: Rest

I’ve actually been doing most of this already without the extreme focus of the new year and getting past the holidays. Tryouts are in October and if I make the team it is a win/win for me. If I make the team, awesome, I’ll play until I’m too broke down to continue. If I don’t make the team then I can close this chapter of my life once and for all. No more wondering, “What if”.

After making the Desperado team and playing football for a few years I’d like to be on Survivor or some other extreme reality show. I think there is a potential for a show like survivor, only harder - why haven’t they done this yet? I want more competitions and less belly aching.

Yasmine, pronounced Yahsmeen, walked around the room with her near perfect physique. When she bent, it was effortless, when she twisted she filled pretzels with envy, and when she massaged my feet while I was laying prostrate on the floor I think I might have fell in love.

After class, Bill a larger than average man but still small compared to me, came up to me and said, “I sure enjoyed working next to you today, it’s nice to see a big guy do yoga.” A small and very bendy man was standing next to him, his chest was covered in a huge tattoo that from a distance could be mistaken for chest hair, nodded in agreement. Humbly I told them that I enjoy the class, but I am not very flexible at all. Bill was quick to jump to my defense, even if he was defending me from myself. “I’ve seen unflexible and so if this is a competition then you aren’t winnning.” The compliment, though contorted like one of the many poses I had just done, was not lost on me. I shook his hand and thanked him. He smiled and I couldn’t help but think that he reminded me somewhat of my dad. Silver and white beard, easy to be around, quick to compliment a stranger. I left class feeling 10 pounds lighter and most likely I was due to all the water I had just lost.

 I have until Thursday to finish out my 10 days for 10 dollars. I plan to sign up for at least a few more months because this is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It challenges me mentally and physically, but when I am done my body feels rejuvenated, not torn down the way it feels after lifting weights or running on the treadmill. My back doesn’t hurt, my ankles and knees feel limber instead of compressed and achy. While I am in class I get so light-headed I feel sick to my stomach. After about 45 minutes the heat really starts to take it’s toll on my body and I have to just let go and allow myself to push through these uncomfortable moments, because when it’s over the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that I’m doing something good for my body, well, those feelings make it all worth it - even if I do feel dehydrated and prune-like when it’s all over.

www.sunstoneyoga.com - try it for 10 days - it’s only 10 dollars! It is great for weight loss, you can lose about 10-15 pounds depending upon how many classes you take and how many pounds you need to lose. My friend Annette said she lost 4 pounds in 10 days and this is from a woman who did a marathon and a 10k run in one weekend. She had no weight to lose!

So things are much better now. I have learned how to deal with my problems, my pain, my addictive personality, my avoidance issues, my lack of self-control, but I am still undeniably human and so I like to visit my therapist just once a month to maintain balance and sort of as maintenance. It’s like having a personal trainer that helps you reach your goals. Once you have gone through a series of workouts you know what to do and you no longer need the coach. However, a monthly check-in is still good for accountability and for additional guidance and to check over-all progress. That is what I do with my therapist now and trust me, it rocks. I can tell him about the extremely stressful weekend I had and how I am currently juggling multiple issues that are out of my control and he can help me deal with it - rationally. I can bitch and moan to him about everything that is bothering me, I can be a big cry baby and get it all out of my system in an hour and he listens and nods and when it is over I feel better and I don’t feel guilty for making my friends carry my burdens or listen to me vent.

 Fortunately, I don’t deal with depression, but I’ve danced with it on occasion.  I understand it’s cruelty and how it incapacitates and cripples. I thank God that I am not on any medication. I am fortunate that I had a friend suggest counseling to me and that I took that step because if I had continuted down the path I was heading I hate to think of what I would have done to myself.

People, seemingly carefree and unencumbered by things of this world, are often times the ones that are hurting the most. Their happy exterior is just a way of hiding the pain because our culture views “neediness or dependency” as weakness.  We are ashamed to ask for help and when we don’t know what else to do, we take a gun and go on a shooting spree, or drive our children into a lake, or jump off a bridge into speeding traffic. When we read about things like this, we don’t understand how this could happen, where did this monster come from?  It could be the person right next to you, a close family memeber, or one day it might even be you.

I hope that you are still praying for the families from Virginia Tech, but also for our nation in general. If we slowed down for a moment and really looked at the world around us it is bruised face covered with makeup and large sunglasses.

If you need help, don’t be afraid to ask for it, you can even ask me.

Sick to my stomach I reach for a bottle of water. My insides are so empty I can feel the icy refreshment in the deepest parts of my insides. “More!” my body screams and I answer. Chug, chug, gulp, gulp. I cannot consume the water fast enough. It tastes so good once it touches my dry, cracked lips.

Now I’m sweating. Sweating so profusely I appear to be a soaked sponge being squeezed. Water pools around me salty, disgusting, dirty. My breath is hot, my legs are tired as I press, press, press. I’ve gone 3 miles but I am still in the same place.

My breakfast of vitamins and a protein shake threaten to revisit me. I breathe through my nose and swallow to choke back the urge to let it go.  I just want to let it all go…