Mall Moxie

I think I’ve lost it! Ugh.

I used to could just walk into a mall, find what I was looking for, purchase it and then leave satisfied knowing that I just “owned” that mall and destroyed it with my unheard of male mall moxie.

I went to the mall today and tried on no less that 15 shirts. My arms are big and so are my shoulders, no brag just fact. My waste is getting smaller and that means that I need shirts that are tapered or else the shirts are all billowy around the waste and when you have worked hard to lose said waist then the last thing you want is voluminous amounts of materials draping around your midsection.

Then while in Collin Creek Mall I could NOT FIND THE BATHROOM! I am serious. I actually went to the mall directory thing and found the little restroom sign and still couldn’t find it. Livid I went back into Foley’s and asked them if they had a bathroom and I finally got to use it. Note to self, do not drink a 44 oz glass of water before you go to the mall to try on 15 shirts.

As I was leaving the mall I would have bet my left you know what on the fact that I had entered through Foley’s. I came out of Foley’s and looked EVERYWHERE for my truck. After multiple attempts to find it I started to panic. I almost called 911 when I remembered that the doors that I entered through didn’t look like Foley’s doors, they were much smaller and less trendy. I had entered through Mervyn’s! I don’t even like Mervyn’s how was that possible?

Thanking the Lord above that I didn’t call 911 and subsequently look like a stupid fool I hopped in my truck and realized that someone has apparently stolen my Mall Moxie much like Fat Bstrd stole Austin Powers’ Mojo.

Have I crossed a point of no return? Have I swam in this pool of bachelorhood for so long that there is no going back to the safety of the metrosexual shores?

I used to love going to the mall and shopping. What is happening to me!? What pray tell is happening to me!!!!! (eddo falls on his knees looks to the sky while the sky darkens, rain falls, and thunder and lightning stike. and… scene.)