I’m 35 years old now and I’m at the apex of my understanding of who God is and what my role is in this world. However, I still have this constant nagging temptation that sometimes I want to just chuck all of this truth and go out and party.
Each day I wake up and I try to read my Bible, pray and go through life pursuing God, but sometimes I feel that I fall short and even worse, I feel that God falls short too. There, I said it. Sometimes I feel that my relationship with God has been one-sided. Like that guy in the poem Footprints in the Sand I feel that God is absent in times that are hard.
At 35 I’m still a virgin. The idea of holding out until marriage is still a struggle. At times I don’t think that I’ll ever get married and the temptation to fulfill my need for intimacy in the arms of some stranger is often very intense. Am I to die without ever knowing physical intimacy? Can God fulfill that desire in my life? What kind of life is it that is always filled with sexual frustration and guilt for having lustful desires?
For me, I feel like an ex drug addict that is constantly tempted to fall back into the sweet lulling arms of co-dependence and shut out the world of reality.
For years I had excuses as to why I would submit to the desires of my flesh. I would make excuses to look at pornography, I would justify my behavior and I would wildly abandon my morality for the sake of momentary relief from the pressure of just being me. But when I feel lonely. When I am despairing, I remember that Christ was tempted too and I remember these truths:
- Anonymous sex is not intimacy.
- Living wildly like the prodigal son will not satisfy me, after I have broken down I know that I will be ashamed of myself. I will have regrets.
- Everyone struggles with lust and temptation even when they are married.
- I am not alone.
- I am loved and needed and cherished.
- Life is more about me serving others than meeting my own needs.
- Because we live in a fallen world we will never be 100% happy with who we are.
- Placing unrealistic expectations on yourself is a sure way to stay miserable
- Learning to be content with how God made me takes time and is a ongoing process.
- Running to things of this world for satisfaction is my way of telling God that he does not satisfy me. He is not enough. He does not complete me.
- Feelings of inadequacy are lies from the devil.
- Most of the time when I feel inadequate it is because I have taken my focus off of God and placed if on myself.
I went to a counselor for about a year when I was 30. It was the best money I ever spent. He told me to journal how I felt after I had fallen into temptation – meaning when I had looked at porn and the shame that I felt after. He said when I was tempted to read that. It is a good tool to keep you from falling.
I don’t know who all is reading this site anymore. I rarely update it, but my goal is to use my words to convey transparent truth about who I am and hopefully you can learn from my experience and my mistakes.