I’m stuck on PAUSE.
For the last two years I’ve noticed a steep decline in my number of close friends. Or perhaps I finally just shed the people that I felt were holding me back or just plain using me? I’m not sure. What I do know is that I use to have a constantly full social calendar and now I rarely go or do anything.
I know part of it is that I’m no longer involved in a church group Bible Study or actively involved in church for that matter. Why? Because friends and relationships take time and they are an investment and I just don’t feel like investing in any new friends lately. I like the ones I already have, I just wish they weren’t so far away.
My closest friends don’t live in state. They are literally spread out across the globe, sprinkled about haphazardly like a spilled box of hot tamales.
When i think of making new friends, close friends near by I’m reminded of so many recent friendships that went no where and in the end I didn’t even want to be friends with those people any more.It’s frightening because with the number of friends that I have pushed away I am starting to realize that the problem is not with them – it’s with me.
What I have done is created this world of comfort for myself where I only have to rely on me. No one can let me down. No one can get close. There is no one to disappoint me.
Perhaps my expectations are too high on my friends and on myself. I expect so much from friends because I feel like I give a great deal, but maybe I don’t? Maybe it only seems like a great deal because I am selfish?
If you looked at my life now and you looked at it 8 moths ago it would look exactly the same. I’m the same weight. I have not made any progress financially, physically, spiritually, or emotionally. I’m not dying, but I’m not thriving either. My life is literally on pause.
I like to think that I am going somewhere with my life in the near future. I keep waiting for something to happen to change up my circumstances but nothing does. Each day I am tempted to just throw in the towel, put my house up for sale and move away to Hawaii or some remote island and live off the beach like Tom Hanks in Castaway.
It would not be that hard of a transition. I often feel like I am on some island, or worse, floating adrift on some raft that is moving further and further away from society and despite my flailing attempts to grab on to life, I’m sucked away by the undertow of my own failures.
I don’t think I am being melodramatic, nor am I feeling sorry for myself. I’m just stating the facts in a miserable attempt to once again inspire myself to peel myself off of the floor and try once again to start moving forward.
Sometimes the friend cupboard is bare because we need to purge the expired ones. Don’t fret about that. Good friends are always close to you no matter where on this planet they reside. And you don’t need the clutter of pseudo-friends. You’ll get your mojo back Eddo. But in the meantime, this quiet peacefulness in your life is a perfect time to reflect and be still.
I would rather have a few closer friends than a bunch of shallow friendships too. I have done both & I like it this way better. That said, I think it is good that you have identified areas where you feel you need to grow, & you probably do need local accountability for that. It sucks having to find it though
I have trouble with that too.
I just hit “play” for you Eddo.
I have a somewhat similar situation. A group of about 14 of us used to hang out regularly every Friday for years. Then, as people transferred, got married, tired of the group, or whatever, we’re down to a group of five. I miss the old gang.
Thanks for the great feedback and Fred, thanks for pressing “Play”.
My old gang used to be soooo close. It was like this perfect world that you only see on TV and we all served together at church and we had great Bible Studies.
Perhaps it’s time to start finding a new group… I did just join a Co-Ed Sand Volleyball group and I’m looking at doing a men’s Bible Study soon. Fall is always good for new stuff.
One thing is for sure, you got a little nephew that adores you and will spend time with you anytime, perhaps that is why you have made room in your life, so he can have a part of you too. He is a great one to invest in!!! Yesterday he didn’t want to go to AWANA’s and Precious got frustrated with him. She later told him she was sorry she got so frustrated with him and he said it is ok mama, when I go to the bowling alley and I try to get one of those bouncey balls out of the machine, I get frustrated too, so it’s ok mama. lol Isn’t he amazing for a three yr old!!!
Your not alone… I was just discussing this a few days ago with a friend. I think it is part “growing up” and growing older… people get busy and grow apart and unless you all parties are making an effort to keep in touch and hang out people drift away. ( and Facebook doesn’t count!) It sucks.
Now for being “stuck” I get that too… I think you are on the right track in joining new groups and activities… got to shake it up! Easier said than done sometimes