I’m stuck on PAUSE.
For the last two years I’ve noticed a steep decline in my number of close friends. Or perhaps I finally just shed the people that I felt were holding me back or just plain using me? I’m not sure. What I do know is that I use to have a constantly full social calendar and now I rarely go or do anything.
I know part of it is that I’m no longer involved in a church group Bible Study or actively involved in church for that matter. Why? Because friends and relationships take time and they are an investment and I just don’t feel like investing in any new friends lately. I like the ones I already have, I just wish they weren’t so far away.
My closest friends don’t live in state. They are literally spread out across the globe, sprinkled about haphazardly like a spilled box of hot tamales.
When i think of making new friends, close friends near by I’m reminded of so many recent friendships that went no where and in the end I didn’t even want to be friends with those people any more.It’s frightening because with the number of friends that I have pushed away I am starting to realize that the problem is not with them – it’s with me.
What I have done is created this world of comfort for myself where I only have to rely on me. No one can let me down. No one can get close. There is no one to disappoint me.
Perhaps my expectations are too high on my friends and on myself. I expect so much from friends because I feel like I give a great deal, but maybe I don’t? Maybe it only seems like a great deal because I am selfish?
If you looked at my life now and you looked at it 8 moths ago it would look exactly the same. I’m the same weight. I have not made any progress financially, physically, spiritually, or emotionally. I’m not dying, but I’m not thriving either. My life is literally on pause.
I like to think that I am going somewhere with my life in the near future. I keep waiting for something to happen to change up my circumstances but nothing does. Each day I am tempted to just throw in the towel, put my house up for sale and move away to Hawaii or some remote island and live off the beach like Tom Hanks in Castaway.
It would not be that hard of a transition. I often feel like I am on some island, or worse, floating adrift on some raft that is moving further and further away from society and despite my flailing attempts to grab on to life, I’m sucked away by the undertow of my own failures.
I don’t think I am being melodramatic, nor am I feeling sorry for myself. I’m just stating the facts in a miserable attempt to once again inspire myself to peel myself off of the floor and try once again to start moving forward.