I think people often forget what it is like to be single. They parade their chubby cute kids in front of us like they just won the baby lotto complete with baby showers, baby laughter and new friends that just so happen to have babies.
“Look at our baby! Isn’t he/she adorable! Watch out for the spit up!” They blurt out these phrases in high-pitched voices complete with gitchy goos and ga gas all the while oblivious to the suffering of us singles.
It’s cute at first. One of your friends gets married, then another, then another. You keep your hopes up, you date, you have some good relationships but they all fizzle out. You congratulate your friends with sincerity, truly happy for their new wedded bliss, but part of you has to wonder, “What about me?”
You push those thoughts out of your head and keep moving on as if you are in some sort of race and if you just keep your eyes focused on the prize then maybe you won’t notice the kids playing in the park next to you or the couple holding hands, or the new mom pushing the pink and blue bedazzled stroller.
At first you are surrounded by lots of other single friends and so the hunt is still sort of fun. You don’t feel so alone because you have singles parties and game nights. You have your freedom and there is always that rush of meeting someone new. But then those circles thin out and the friendships recede like your hairline or begin to sag like your breasts.
You try to stay optimistic only to continue to watch your friends pop babies out left and right. They’re beautiful babies, possibly the most adorable babies that you have ever seen in your life and you love them so much that it’s a little frightening. They aren’t yours and so you can’t get too close because at any moment they could move away, off to some remote place like Tennessee, or worse, Japan and then you are left there with a gaping hole where a warm snuggly toddler should be.
It’s been so long now since your first friends got married that many of them have gotten divorced and already found someone new to marry. You shake your fist to the heavens and scream “Why God, Why?!!!”
Why is it that they can find 2 people to fall in love with when I’m still searching for the first one?
You start to lower your standards and expectations and soon the bar is so low that people don’t even notice it, or you, anymore. You feel like you are fading into the background becoming nothing more than an ephemeral ghost floating through life shrieking silent screams that no one hears but you.
Positivity is one of your strengths and so you join a gym and start working out, you lose some weight, buy some new clothes, start dating again and still nothing. Then finally you meet that someone special that takes your breath away, the one that you know is “The One” and you ask them out or you pray that they ask you out, but they won’t go out with you despite your many attempts to entice them into just a simple dinner. “Can’t we just be friends?” They say and your heart breaks into a million little pieces and falls to the ground and for the next 6 months you grope around on your knees trying to put it back together.
You’ve tried and failed repeatedly so you go and hang up your hat. You put away your “date” clothes. Shut the door to your closet and that part of your life and you just go on smiling and pressing down the deep ache of desire that pangs you every single time you see a happy couple or hear the laughter of a baby.
The hardest part becomes not merely facing the reality of your plight, but every day filling the gap between the time that you wake up until the time you go to bed. The hours seem longer. The loneliness becomes tangible and it becomes harder and harder to press on and say, “Today is a new day, a new opportunity, perhaps today will be the day I see a change or meet someone new.”
And maybe that day will come… tomorrow?
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Alixandra Hice · September 12, 2009 at 9:43 am
I have tears in my eyes Eddo. I feel your words so strongly. I know the feeling so intimately. And yet, in my heart, I know that “The One” is very very close. Just still being prepared for you. Still germinating in the same longing, so that when your eyes finally do meet, you’ll both know immediately.
Admin comment by eddie renz · September 12, 2009 at 9:48 am
Thanks Alixandra, I appreciate your thoughts and kind words!
Kelly · September 12, 2009 at 10:43 am
I get you 100 percent.
Jimmy McW · September 12, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Loser.
introspection · September 12, 2009 at 6:51 pm
utterly touching post. though I am from the other side of the story: married for years, two great kids, and soon to be a grand mom, I know exactly how it’s on the other side. i have close family that experienced the same, and trust me, going thru with them the entire rigmarole is as painful if not more. But then HOPE is the biggest thing my friend, and more often than not it gets you where you wanna go. So cheer up!
Jenny B · September 12, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Thank you for the wonderful post, as usual! I do know some of how you feel, even though things have changed for me since then. It’s weird being on the other side too, being the one who is married now and starting to have kids and knowing that I lost all my single friends because it was just too difficult to balance the kind of lifestyle they have with what my life is becoming now…I have had this discussion with another blogger who basically believes it is the “married people’s” fault. I really don’t think it is anyone’s fault, I think sometimes it is difficult to maintain friendships across life stages. There is always some discomfort or awkwardness involved. But I think it is worth it in the end and you one of the only people I know who is good at maintaining that balance and keeping friends across life stages, even when it is painful. I really do believe this is going to make you a much better husband and father one day!
Eliana · September 12, 2009 at 9:57 pm
I know one day you will find the perfect girl, you are a great guy and i know the right girl is out there for you! i want to thank you for loving elijha so much, i have watched you love on him and kiss him and hold him and it makes me so happy to know that he is loved, but i also realize that the day you become a father you will be one heck of a father and your babys are going to be crazy for you!
Dana · September 13, 2009 at 7:20 am
Oh Eddo, Ms. Right will come along, you have seen alot of Ms. Maybes and could have been married many, many times. It is not all about meeting Ms. Right, it is about doing it right. You are on a mission from God to find the one He wants and if things don’t work out with the one YOU think is right, then obviously God is taking care of it from His end and making sure she is Ms. Right. When you meet her, she will be God’s Girl and then your girl, so remember…He goes before you, prepares your way and when He shuts one door it is always because He has a better one ahead!!! She is going to be exceedingly and abundantly above all you could ask or think cause that is how God provides for those who love Him. I love you son!!
Eddo · September 13, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Thanks everyone for the encouragement and great feedback. I’d say this post breaks a record for some of my longest comments in quite a while. The thoughts in this post have been in my head for a while and I just finally put them on paper. Sometmes voices things honestly without complaint is therapeutic – at least I hope this didn’t sound complaintive, just stating the facts.