I Love It and I Hate It

Things are going well in my life, but I’m alone too much. I wake up in the morning and think, “What will I do today?” Obviously that includes work and working out and some reading, but what else? Can I grab lunch with a friend? Dinner? If you add up a two hour lunch and a two hour dinner that still leaves twelve hours in the day. I work out for 2 of those hours, normally with friends, sometimes groups of people, but then I am still alone for 10 hours of the day.

I like alone time, but 6 days a week I find that I am trying to fill my days with more than just work, working out, and eating. However, I’m in the middle of reinventing myself both physically and professionally and so I don’t have the money or the time to start being overcommitted to other projects that don’t serve someone other than myself.

You see, that is the solution to my problem – getting out and helping others. But, sometimes that makes me more miserable than just sitting at home alone on my couch. I have to get out amongst the unwashed masses of society and get my hands dirty? Okay, maybe the people aren’t unwashed or in masses, but my hands, my CLEAN HANDS!!

Anywho, as soon as my clients start paying I’m going to book a shrink… I realize that is what shrinks are good for, you pay them to listen to you talk and once a week for 80 bucks you get to let go of every single mean, lustful, hateful, conceited, prideful, arrogant, humiliating thought that is constantly bouncing around in your head and they can’t tell anyone. It’s like going to a priest for confession, but better because it’s an hour long and then you leave an you without so much as a Hail Mary full of grace. Not that a good Hail Mary isn’t good every now and then…

So… here I am 33 and alone with so many friends that think I am just “So Fun!” and “Almost a Celebrity”, but who has reached a point in my life where I don’t want to go on living like this… or do I? I just don’t know. Maybe I’m in a transitional state that will just take some time to get used to. I mean, I am sitting on my couch working for hours on end and then I feel guilty for sitting at home. It’s weird. This house has become my home and my office and so I shouldn’t feel guilty about being here all day but after 33 years of working multiple jobs and being around people all the time then it’s hard to make this transition. I love it and I hate it.

And for those of you who would like to say, “Well, you really just need to get married and settle down” thanks for that little nugget of wisdom. Don’t think I haven’t tried and tried harder than you know since I only write about 60% of what really goes on in my life on this website. While I’m holding out for Mrs. Right I feel guilty for taking solace in the fact that many of my friends that got married when they were young are now getting divorced. I want to smugly say, “Well, I didn’t make that mistake!” But in reality I’m sad for them and for me because most of them are working on spouse number two while I’m still looking for number one.