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I'm Just Sayin Stories

After I enjoyed my breakfast I would be ushered into the back for a deep tissue massage and other spa services

I don’t normally hop on over to IHOP. It’s generic food that is mass produced doesn’t appeal to my refined palate and if I want to eat breakfast crap then I will just go to McDonalds or Whataburger – both of which normally provide better tasting food than IHOP.

This morning I woke up at 4 a.m. after an especially long sleeping jag. I took a nap yesterday that started at 2 p.m. and lasted until 4 a.m. this morning and so when I woke up there was no chance I was going to go back to sleep… so what to do?

I hopped online and read some blogs, posted some comments, and then I decided I was hungry since the previous day I had slept right through dinner. I decied on IHOP.

When I walked in the place was empty save for one couple. There wasn’t a greeter and from the sounds coming from the kitchen I thought maybe a troup of monkeys had been released and they were being forced to do the dishes. Loud shrieks of laughter kept coming from the kitchen, but no one was coming out to assist me.

I waited. Where else was I going to go?

Finally after about 5 minutes someone came out and said, “Did you need something?”

“Um, yeah, I wanted to eat breakfast”

“Oh, okay, sorry”

I sat down and ordered a chicken sandwich only to be annoyed by the employee that was sitting in the booth behind me. He had his iPod with him and he decided that he would turn the music up so loud that I could hear it crystal clear through his headphones.

Ugh. I thought I would have a quiet breakfast and get some reading done before church, but alas, it was not meant to be.

Finally my waiter arrived and I ordered some food, but before it arrived a posse of peeps fresh from an Prom came rolling in and then I knew for sure that this was not going to be a pleasant experience.

It was my own fault actually because before I had ever arrived at this particular IHOP I had fantasized about the place making into something much grander than it actually was. With a cool exterior and large windows they had designed this IHOP to look like a Swiss Chalet and so I had sort of romanticized my morning breakfast. I had pictured myself sipping on a hot cup of coffee with a warm scarf wrapped around my neck while I watched skiers swoop down the mountain. When my crepes arrived they would be delivered by a “Heidi” with blond hair and pigtails and she would have a German accent.

After I enjoyed my breakfast I would be ushered into the back for a deep tissue massage and other spa services. Everything would be wooden and warm and minty fresh and they would be playing Edelweiss through the speakers and bringing me hot chocolate made of course by Swiss Miss herself.

Yes. This is what it is like in my head and this is why my reality is often disappointing. I have unrealistic expectations of many things, including women, I have this dream, this vision of someone who is great and will be an amazing mom and wife and who just instinctively knows what to do and say to make my day.

For me though, this latter fantasy is more realistic as I have had glimpses of this in my friends wives, my sisters and of course my own mother.

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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