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No Resolutions

I’ve been doing Weight Watchers all week. I went to my first meeting last night and weighed in at 365 pounds. That’s a lot for anyone and about 35 pounds heavier than I’ve been for the last 4-5 years. I wanted to get some help and so I decided Weight Watchers is the route I’d like to take.

I also started attending a new church and I’ve been trying out some of their resources: online devotionals, group classes, etc. I don’t feel like I fit in… yet… but where do I fit in these days?

I have to watch myself cautiously because I have a tendency to wallow in self pity at times when I’m alone for too long. I am a people person who constantly needs to be around people, but not necessarily involved with them. I love big parties and groups – being too intimate or too deep sometimes exhausts me. One-on-One is harder for me than I let on and after a whirlwind of events I do need my down time to recuperate.

More than anything this year I’m trying to learn how to live alone and be stable. Not to use money or food as a way of overcoming my despair or feeling bereft floating further out to sea while I watch everyone on shore moving on with their lives. I have to learn to let people live their lives without feeling like I am letting them go even though that is often times what I have to do.

What I am hoping for in 2009 is an opportunity to find my niche, to find where I belong once again. For so long I was a part of DBC, a part of a group of friends that lived in Denton and we shared a common focus. Now I’m not going to church consistently anywhere.  I’m not involved in a Bible study, I don’t have a group of male buddies that I can go and watch sports with or have over to the house for a poker night. Don’t get me wrong, I have hundreds of friends, most of them don’t live in Plano though. My best buds live in Shang Hai, Japan, Kentucky, North Carolina, Dallas and Denton.

So this post isn’t a sad post about how awful my life is, in fact, it’s just me laying out the reality of my world and how I’d like to reshape it into something better. I hope to one day look back on this time of my life not as a low point, but as a time that I built a solid foundation of trust in the lord and happy times with friends no matter how far apart we are. It takes work and time and people don’t always meet my expectations or demands, but I’m learning to deal with that too.

So that’s it for me, I hope you have some goals you’ve mapped out for the rest of your life.  And if you are ever hurting or lonely, just drop me a line.

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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