When I buy gifts for my nieces and nephews I try to always buy things that I think I would have been crazy about when I was their age. My nephew is a tough little kid that likes to punch, he’s going to love these, and if he doesn’t, then I will keep them for myself! They make noises and everything!
Manly men enjoy competition in every area of life. Who can eat the most enchiladas, who can jump highest, who is the strongest, who has the biggest… everything. You will not win at all of these competitions and if you are in need of this manual then you will most likely lose many of them, but what is important is participating in them. Never back down froma challenge no matter how idiotic.
Once I worked for Boeing Defense and Space in Corinth and there were these tall tables that we used to build cables on. They met me right about where my belly button is and at 6′ 5″ that is a pretty tall table. JD, one of my manly teammates on an all-male team, could stand flat-footed and easily jump up on the table. Others tried and failed and for a long time I resisted the urge to partake in this boneheadery until at last I gave in. I stood flat-footed and launched myself into the air just high enough to get my toes on the table – then I lost my balance and started pinwheeling my arms wildly to maintain balance. Everything was happening in slow motion, even my fall seemed to take forever. I hit the floor hard barely missing a metal ledge that surely would have cracked my skull, but in the end I was a hero just for trying and FAILING miserably. That is one thing that all men have in common, the love of a good failure. But that is a whole other chapter.
For now, focus on what you are good at and then the next time you are with a group of males, let the games begin!
Hands Down
Always be aware of where your hands are at. Men that are manly don’t make a habit of letting their hands swish wildly about when walking or talking. Be cautious of hand gestures and placement that might appear effiminate, especially the hand on the hip, or for that matter, both hands on your hips.
Instead, try placing your hands in your pockets or near your crotch area. Occasionaly adjusting yourself in public, scratching inappropriately, and hunching forward are all preferred to flailing hands that seem to be directing traffic or trying to get the same sex’s attention.
Mouth Shut
Don’t talk about the fact that you like Grey’s Anatomy more than Football. Actually, don’t talk at all unless you have something to say that sounds complicated or is about sports. When surounded by a group of manly men, instead of opening your high-pitched mouth, just nod and grunt. Don’t look overly interested in anything unless it is a pair of boobs stuffed into a pretty pink sweater, then you can look interested, but once again, it’s best to keep your mouth shut. You big dandy.
MetroSexual No!
Whoever started telling men that they should be buffed and combed and gelled was a big retard. Men should be able to stumble out of bed and in the car in less than 20 minutes. When did guys start spending more time on their grooming than women? Well STOP IT. We don’t have to do all of that. The whole point of being attracted to the opposite sex is that they are OPPOSITE of us, we aren’t competing with them. They should be on display and you should fade into the background with your grey shirt and your worn blue jeans. Think Ruggedly handsome, not manicure and pedicure. This disheveled, not combed and groomed. Be clean and tidy, but don’t smell like you are wearing 8 types of lotion, facial moisturizer, sunscreen, hair gel, hair spray, cologne, etc.
Eat in Public
A manly man doesn’t waste time on salad. What a waste of good stomach space! Stick to the four major food groups: Beer. Burgers. Wings. Nachos. If it sounds girly, peach bellini apple tini, then it probably is. Behind closed doors eat whatever you want, or if you are already married and your wife wants you to lose that beer gut, then cut back on the suds, but other than that, we are carnivores, ravenous ones at that, so put down your salad fork and dig in with your hands!
Talking to Women
What’s there to talk about? Them! Stop talking about how much you love Grey’s Anatomy and LOST, instead just grunt and nod on occasion and then tell her she’s beautiful and that you love spending time with her. Then, at every chance you get try to put the moves on her. She’ll act like she don’t like it, but every woman likes to be desired, pursued, wanted, needed. Then when she slaps you away act all sheepish and tell her she is irresistable, like a piece of chocolate. Women understand chocolate and the desire it creates within them. If you follow these steps be prepared to fight the women off with a stick, I recommend a wiffle ball bat, it stings just a little and they get the idea that you mean business.
Play Something
Some men like to play video games, others like to play physical sports. You’ll score more points, no pun intended, playing real sports, but some guys will give you man-cred for being able to play games like Halo and Syphon Filter really well. However, whatever you do, do not mention World of Warcraft or Final Fantasy. Do not launch into a bunch of gibberish about how powerful your online character is or how you are a destroyer in the third underworld of Deviathor. No one, and I mean NO ONE, cares about this so keep it to yourself. The only type of fantasy that really scores you manly points is Fantasy Sports like Fantasy Football or Fantasy Hockey. Whenever the opportunity arises, say things like, Yeah, I LOVE fantasy football or How bout that game on Saturday night? Invariably someone will pop up with a million things to say and all you have to do is sit back and grunt and scratch and you are in.
Confidence
No matter what you are doing, be ready to back it up with confidence. Don’t let people laugh at you or make fun of what you believe to be important. So maybe you think the Steelers are better than the Cowboys, you have a right to your backassward opinion and people should respect that. Standing up for yourself is important, however, it’s best to refrain from controversial topics if you can keep from it. Instead, stick with the grunting.
Lead or Follow
We’ve all seen the bumper sticker that says, “Lead, follow, or get out of the way…” No truer phrase has ever been spoken! When you are in a group, find the leader, determine if you can take over and if you can’t, be prepared to follow wholeheartedly. No one likes a whiner.
Go ahead and print this out and post it in your cubicle or wherever you play World of Warcraft or on top of your Pride and Prejudice DVD. Then come back often for more tips and tricks on How to Stay Manly Even When You Aren’t.
A friend sent me this link from Xerox’s website where you can say thanks to our troops. I normally don’t do things like this, it seems a little generic, but at least you get to pick from a list of things you want your card to say. And who knows, maybe someone will get it that needs to know that they are appreciated.
http://www.letssaythanks.com/Home1280.html
I like houses that have been turned into homes by years of wear and tear and clutter. I like that feeling of something being lived-in, but still taken care of. What I love more than that is a house that has been lived in and taken care of by a woman.
I currently have snowman sheets on my bed. They are flannel and I keep them freshly washed in Lavender Vanilla soap and dryer sheets. They smell amazing, but they never compare to the sheets at the Bruner’s house or the Miller’s or my mom’s house. Those sheets always seem to smell like an angel washed them with a fragance you can’t buy at a store – love.
Recently I stayed at the McWhinney’s home in Holly Lake Ranch and even though there house was relatively new to them, it had all the elements of a home. There is something about the combined efforts of a man and a woman that seem to make a place special. There’s normally a balance of masculine and feminine and even if it borders on the feminine side I think that most men find that welcoming.
My house is a bachelor pad. I have minimal furniture, no family photos grace my walls, the countertops are barren in the kitchen. It’s exactly like I want it.
Right now my bedroom walls are painted with multiple swatches of color. I’ve got multiple projects going all at once and I’m finally getting the need to do things exactly my way out of my system. I love my home, but now I’m willing to give someone else a shot at picking the wall colors of my bedroom. I could use some help in narrowing down what type of flooring I want in the living room and what color of cabinets to put in the kitchen.
All of this is not saying that I’m ready to be married, but if I do get married, I’d now be ready to let someone come in and have their way with my space and that was something I wasn’t ready to let go of a few months ago. I needed this time to explore my ideas and to let loose with my creativity. Now I’m exhausted by the options and the futility of my efforts and I’m willing to admit that I’m not as good at this as I always thought I was.
So one day, I hope that this home and all the houses I have after this one, will have that “Lived-In” feeling where when people walk in the door they realize that this is where people live. People who fight and cook and clean and love. Where people have friends stay over on clean sheets and when we say goodnight after a party our friends won’t want to leave.
