Archive for December, 2008
“Why didn’t he tell anyone?”
”I didn’t know she was hurting.”
“I wish they would have told me!”
People who are hurting often shoulder that pain alone. They are afraid to share or too independent or prideful to ask for help.
I’ve been on the hurting end and sometimes the people in your life are the ones that you want to shield from the truth or from bearing the burden. They think they can help, but they can’t. Some journey’s are meant to be taken alone and some secrets should stay secrets forever just as some dreams should never come true. We don’t all get to be equal, some people will have children that they abort while some men will hold their barrends wives and comfort them throught he pain. Some of us will run while others can only walk.
There are times in life when you are going to be challenged, hurting, lonely – but this is not a time for despair or self-pity. The world is a cruel place filled with harsh realities and each of us must learn to face those realities in our own way.
Relatives
Whenever relatives come over you need to treat them the way the Americans treated the Japanese after the attack on Pearl Harbor or the way a dog acts at a vet when it’s about to be neutered. Relatives are the enemy and they will try to infiltrate your life every chance they get. They will come over with their stories and their goo-goos and gah-gahs shaming and reducing you to that bed-wetting cry baby you used to be – DO NOT ALLOW IT.
When relatives arrive you should probably break out the camoflauge. If possible, head to the deer lease or retreat to some other territory that allows you to keep an eye on the enemy from a distance. Bass Pro Shops, Cabela’s, the Lake, and even a burger joint are also good alternatives.
If the relatives come in with a surprise attack you must always be on your gaurd. At the table look for signs of consipiracy. It’s not paranoia when someone is really out to get you.
We suggest stockpiling your plate with loads of chicken legs or other finger foods. When someone launches into a story that begins with “Remember When” quickly thwart that trespass by firing a chicken leg or two into their mouth. If they are repeat offenders and plain chicken legs aren’t working, be sure to spice them up with some habenero or if you are serving sweets a good ex-lax product often does the trick.
For those really stubborn relatives you may have to create a huge diversion in order to effectively remove them from your territory. Exploding turkey’s, skunk infestations, and acts of God will usually do the trick.
In the end, if you find yourself stuck with relatives and there is no escape, remember the saying, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” It’s a lot easier to punch an relative enemy when they are close by.
Gift Wrapping
Men were not born with the innate abiity to gift wrap. If you have it, then you need to try to purge that effiminate quality from yourself and join the rest of us who only recently started to use our opposable thumbs.
Gift wrapping is complex. It requires coordinating colors and (gasp) bows and then tying it all up nice and pretty. Not to mention you have to put some thought into the actual gift inside! Ugh.
Manly men instead find something handy or nearby that is sparkly or shiny – like a broken vase or a bag of half-used glitter – and we toss that in a wad of newspaper, preferably the comic section, and add some duct tape. BAM! Instant gift. The very fact that you remembered that there was an occasion for having a gift is gift enough. Your gift recipient will be so wowed that they will probably shower you with affection, which is fine, just don’t show how much you enjoy it. Instead, push them away, you know, like the Heisman Trophy, a quick stiff arm to the jaw or neck region should do the trick. If they make it past your arm and they embrace you, quickly turn it into a wrestling session, pin them to the ground or body slam them. This way, everyone has a good time while showing affection and looking manly.
Caution: We don’t suggest body-slamming small children, instead, gently kick them with the side of your foot or knee softly under the chin and then act like it was an accident. Little cute kids are the fastest way to expose your non-manly interior.
Lastly, if you feel the slightest bit of emotion during the holidays or around special occasions, hide it by wearing lots of plaid flannel, not shaving or bathing, and grunting a lot. For some of you this won’t be much of a change from your current everyday status, but for others this may involve a bit of effort.
In the end, we know you are trying to be manly in a world that is ever-increasinly soft and frilly, and so we applaud your effort, but not too much, we don’t want you thinking we give a damn – cause we don’t.
So go out and show your relatives and friends how much you love them by giving them a thought-filled gift. Cause we all know it’s the thought that counts. (P.S. Sometimes I actually write on the package how much thought went into the gift in seconds or minutes, that really makes it special!)
When it comes to cooking there is only one thing you need to know: Put it on the grill. Everything can be cooked on the grill 365 days a year and it tastes better that way. Save the baking and casseroles for the ladies and their Mary Kay and Pampered Chef parties. Manly men stick to foods like steak and bratwurst. Until you are married these are pretty much the only things you need to eat anyway.
Also, and this is a bonus note only because we are talking about food: There is no man, manly or not, that knows how to tear Saran Wrap. That stuff was created specifically to turn those of us hopped up on too much testosterone into homicidal maniacs. We suggest not eveny buying the stuff and for that matter, there is really no need, just eat all of the food you make, even when you’ve made what you think is too much, trust us, if you eat through the pain it will all go down.
Gold Bond Medicated Powder
Manly men sweat. We sweat especially when we play sports or when we are camping or hunting or doing manly things. Because of this it is necessary to protect yourself from itchiness and rashes with Gold Bond medicated powder – in the crotch and groin area.
You can’t use baby powder or some other form of talcum powder, it has to be Gold Bond. If you are extra manly you will use the Extra Strength Gold Bond while you are still wet after a shower. Apply directly to your brussel sprouts. That burning sensation let’s you know that you are alive and that you are indeed a man.