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The Manly Manual – VI

Relatives

Whenever relatives come over you need to treat them the way the Americans treated the Japanese after the attack on Pearl Harbor or the way a dog acts at a vet when it’s about to be neutered. Relatives are the enemy and they will try to infiltrate your life every chance they get. They will come over with their stories and their goo-goos and gah-gahs shaming and reducing you to that bed-wetting cry baby you used to be – DO NOT ALLOW IT.

When relatives arrive you should probably break out the camoflauge. If possible, head to the deer lease or retreat to some other territory that allows you to keep an eye on the enemy from a distance. Bass Pro Shops, Cabela’s, the Lake, and even a burger joint are also good alternatives.

If the relatives come in with a surprise attack you must always be on your gaurd. At the table look for signs of consipiracy. It’s not paranoia when someone is really out to get you.

We suggest stockpiling your plate with loads of chicken legs or other finger foods. When someone launches into a story that begins with “Remember When” quickly thwart that trespass by firing a chicken leg or two into their mouth. If they are repeat offenders and plain chicken legs aren’t working, be sure to spice them up with some habenero or if you are serving sweets a good ex-lax product often does the trick.

For those really stubborn relatives you may have to create a huge diversion in order to effectively remove them from your territory. Exploding turkey’s, skunk infestations, and acts of God will usually do the trick.

In the end, if you find yourself stuck with relatives and there is no escape, remember the saying, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” It’s a lot easier to punch an relative enemy when they are close by.

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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