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Hygeine Manly

The Manly Manual – V

Gift Wrapping

Men were not born with the innate abiity to gift wrap. If you have it, then you need to try to purge that effiminate quality from yourself and join the rest of us who only recently started to use our opposable thumbs.

Gift wrapping is complex. It requires coordinating colors and (gasp) bows and then tying it all up nice and pretty. Not to mention you have to put some thought into the actual gift inside! Ugh.

Manly men instead find something handy or nearby that is sparkly or shiny – like a broken vase or a bag of half-used glitter – and we toss that in a wad of newspaper, preferably the comic section, and add some duct tape. BAM! Instant gift. The very fact that you remembered that there was an occasion for having a gift is gift enough. Your gift recipient will be so wowed that they will probably shower you with affection, which is fine, just don’t show how much you enjoy it. Instead, push them away, you know, like the Heisman Trophy, a quick stiff arm to the jaw or neck region should do the trick. If they make it past your arm and they embrace you, quickly turn it into a wrestling session, pin them to the ground or body slam them. This way, everyone has a good time while showing affection and looking manly.

Caution: We don’t suggest body-slamming small children, instead, gently kick them with the side of your foot or knee softly under the chin and then act like it was an accident. Little cute kids are the fastest way to expose your non-manly interior.

Lastly, if you feel the slightest bit of emotion during the holidays or around special occasions, hide it by wearing lots of plaid flannel, not shaving or bathing, and grunting a lot. For some of you this won’t be much of a change from your current everyday status, but for others this may involve a bit of effort.

In the end, we know you are trying to be manly in a world that is ever-increasinly soft and frilly, and so we applaud your effort, but not too much, we don’t want you thinking we give a damn – cause we don’t.

So go out and show your relatives and friends how much you love them by giving them a thought-filled gift. Cause we all know it’s the thought that counts. (P.S. Sometimes I actually write on the package how much thought went into the gift in seconds or minutes, that really makes it special!)

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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