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Teaching Abigail to Say “Gangsta”

Abigail sat next to me in Joe and Amber’s king-size bed. She’s almost two and she can already say quite a few words and some very short sentences – some of my favorite: “Uncle Eddo is the coolest Uncle Ever” and “Yo Dawg Dizzle, that Shizzle is Gangsta!” It sounds so cute coming out of her tiny mouth, however, when combined with a chain that hangs low, a Crip walk, and some gang signs, you can tell this girl ain’t playin’. When I said, “Hi Abigail!” She said, “It’s Abi – Gail, Fool, so stop trippin'” Then she bitch slapped me and said, “Gots to keep it real!”

The Bruner’s are moving to Kentucky and I don’t know how well Abi is going to adjust. She likes to sip her kool-aid while shooting craps with Jackson and some of the other homies on the street. When the money’s all gone, she’ll play four-square or hop-scotch, but they actually hop over a bottle of scotch and then they drink it. In Kentucky there will be no craps, no Kool-aid spiked with extra sugar and gin, instead she will have to stay close to the house or she might get run over by a cow or a chicken. I better send her a 9MM to protect her from those gangsta farm animals, we’ve all heard of mad cow and it ain’t pretty.

While I was in town I tried to teach her to say, “Yo foo, back up out my face! Yo BREF IS STANK!” But she kept saying, “Yo BREF IS TANK!” and that just doesn’t have the same effect and I find that often times farm animals don’t listen, sometimes you have to find the meanest rooster in the pen and kick him around a little bit to get some respect.

When I wasn’t shootin the shizzle with Abi, I was destroying the bike trails with Joe and Stoops. My bike and I were owning those trails and when they gave us some lip I flipped over my handlebars and clobbered a large pile of leaves and a couple of branches and gave them some what-for. We’ll see if they give anyone else trouble for the next few weeks. Silly trails, tryin’ to be all tough, puh-lease.

Saturday night we got the posse together for a game of Nertz. Will “the Killa” Thrilla brought his girl and she was all, “Yo, peeps, I got the 7,8,9 of clubs and I ain’t afraid to use them up in hizzere!” Then she started krumpin’ to a beat only she could hear. Girl had some sick moves and her card playin’ style wasn’t unlike her dance style. Cards were all flyin’, cookies and chocolate were all over the place, it was a brutally good time.

Sunday we went to the “Big House of Repentance” and threw down some crazy praise and worship. I might be a sinner, but that doesn’t mean God doesn’t love me and I don’t love him. He “gets” me even when I am being wack. So I gave him a high-five and a chest bump, broke him off some cheddar for all the blessin’s and love and then we bounced out to Cappaccino Cafe – that joint be off the chain! I was seriously due for some awesome carnage and they didn’t dissapoint. Banana Nut Pecan pancakes, breakfast quesadilla’s, gingerbread pancakes – all of it was so tasty, just the way mom used to buy.

Later that day we played some Racquetball and I had to show Joe and Chuck how I had improved my mad playin’ skillz. I got the skillz that pay the billz and I paid some bills on Joe’s back and head. Chuck even got a little payment on his back – I’m generous like that.

In the end it was a super-fun weekend. One of the best weekends I’ve had all year and now Joe and Amb are going to jet to Kentucky. I’m going to miss them, but when I do go up to visit, I get to eat at Amber’s mom’s house and that will make the trip worthwhile. I mean, I love Joe and Amber, but we all know that my real reason for visiting them is because they are always surrounded by some good grub.

Anyways my peeps, my bros, my sistas, my homies, my crew – I gotsta bounce. In the mean time, keep it real fo realz.

Author’s Note: Many parts of this story were written for comedic value. The Bruner’s don’t drink and neither does Abigail – even though she can be deadly with her cuteness.

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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