If I were to analyze my life as a pie chart, I’d say it’s pretty complete. Actually, I’d say it’s 100% complete. I’m happy… so why does the rest of the world make me feel so incomplete?
I had a recent invite to a housewarming party. “Are you and Erin still together?” The line was heavy with hope, but I dashed those dreams of a future Mrs. Renz with a simple response. “Nope, it’s just going to be me.” In my mind I am thinking, “Aren’t I enough?”
Another friend that I’ve known for years asked me, “So, do you have another girlfriend yet?” It’s only been about 3 weeks since I broke up with Erin. “No, I just don’t feel ready to date.” Her response was, “Well, maybe you are just in a rut.” Um, no, not in a rut. Just not ready to be tied down. I feel like I’ve got to have this long list of reasons why I am still single. I’ve got to defend my single status and then when I do, people either: don’t believe me, think I am crazy, or they want to set me up with someone. I know they mean well, but sometimes I feel like if I don’t get married soon enough that I will be sent off to a singles colony where people with the “single” disease live separate from the rest of the normal world. I’ve got all these friends who are married now and having children. Their lives seem to be speeding along the achievement highway while my life is still stuck in the parking garage.
When I look around me, I see people who have been handed a “Successful Life Checklist” and they are desperate to check things off: Go to college, get a good job, find a husband, buy a house, have some kids, have grandkids, die. Like busy bees they buzz around with each other showing off their Vera Bradley diaper bags and their brand new Honda Odysseys. They have mommy playdates while the dads play golf and and watch their 401k’s. “My Johnny is on the soccer team, my Susie is a cheerleader.” It’s a neat tidy world filled with the wonderful bliss of smooshy baby cheeks and butterfly kisses and why in the world wouldn’t I want to be a part of all that? I do, just not yet.
What I see is a load of responsibility tying me down and keeping me from doing something really amazing with my life. Right now my life is still filled with hope and possibility, I’m not ready to give that up. I honestly think being a husband and father are two of the most amazing things on the planet. I see men who are faithful and willing to commit their lives to one woman – one woman, forever. Amazing.
With the family package you get a world of love. You are overwhelmed with the love that you feel for your family. You see your children and you did not believe that you had the capacity to care so much about another human being.
My life, with all of it’s drama, seems filled to capacity right now and I’m not willing to share it with anyone else just yet. I keep trying to find someone that is right for me, but each time I feel like they are interfering with the big plans that I have for myself. I don’t want to settle. I don’t just want to live a life where I go to work 40 hours a week and come home to a wife and kids. I want something just a little more and maybe one day I’ll find me a woman that shares my passion and drive to always exceed the status quo.
So yeah, in the pie chart of our American Culture I am missing the wife slice, and the children slice, but I don’t care about that pie chart, I’ve got my own pie chart and it feels 110% complete.