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“I have it all… why can’t I seem to hold on to it?”

Neurosis, also known as psychoneurosis or neurotic disorder, is a “catch all” term that refers to any mental imbalance that causes distress, but, unlike a psychosis or some personality disorders, does not prevent or affect rational thought. It is particularly associated with the field of psychoanalysis.

I finished up the vhs tape conversions and when it was done I thought I was going to go insane. It was so much pressure – the deadline, the exhaustive waiting, the insurmountable amount of data – I took on too much, which is a habit of mine.

I ignored phone calls from everyone. Family, friends, even my mother. When I get like that then I can’t be bothered, I can’t be interrupted. I have one goal, one focus, one need and that is to finish the task at hand, it becomes all consuming.

I think I have a bit of neuroses.

So while putting these tapes together I caught a piece of a movie and there was this one lady who said, “It will be so good to be alone, it gets so tiring always being the center of attention, do you know what I mean?”

I knew exactly what she meant. I’m almost always the center of attention, I put it upon myself to be. I like to be the center, however, the center of attention comes with a great deal of stress and strain. It is a hard balancing act to make everyone happy. To constantly try to meet everyone’s demands. To return phone calls and make polite conversation. To be witty and funny and always upbeat. It can be exhausting trying to remember birthdays and taking time to pick up gifts, but I try to do it, I like doing it, but when I can’t do it I find myself nearly incapacitated with exhaustion and fatigue and and a crippling amount of guilt.

I’m not complaining about anything here really, but merely explaining my life and a piece of who I am. I go to work and people are pulling at me. Por ejemplo: I moved to a new team and this lady who I don’t even know, but knows that I dance, comes to my cubicle and says, “Hey, I decided that every morning when you get to work you can teach me a new dance move and then I can show my grandchildren.” I’ve taught her several different 8 counts already and I keep hoping she tires before I run out of moves.

When I was at the gym recently this guy was talking to me in the locker room and asked me if I did Jujitsu and then went on to tell me about how I look like a Jujitsu wrestler.

I have to admit that my popularity has become such a ridiculous problem that I don’t even like going to church anymore. How stupid is that? I just don’t want to meet anymore people. I don’t want to make any more small talk. No more relationships. I’ve mentioned this on this website before and I know I sound like a rich person complaining about having too much money, but just because it might appear that that person has nothing to complain about doesn’t mean it isn’t so.

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