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When I am in a hurry, everyone is ugly, fat, and stupid…

“Moo, Mooo!” That’s all I heard as I stood like a slab of beef waiting to be processed at Best Buy. There were 8 cows in front of me, we were practically a whole herd grouped together shifting listlessly. I seemed to be the only one that was impatient. “Excuse me, Excuse me Old people with the two grand daughters who are wearing too much make-up and look like they took wigs off of dolls with their chopped bangs and stringy hair, yes, you. Do you think you could Moooooove forward because they just said no less than 3 times that they will get whoever is next at station 2.” One rather large-eyed woman in front of me turned around and gazed upward at me as if I were a bit crazy. Her big pink lips were fat and full, her nostrils round. Is she grinding her teeth or chewing cud? No matter, we are making progress.

I look around the room and see a half wolf half man sniffing over the DVD’s. His long reddish hair reminds me of that show where there is a lion man that lives in the sewer system and helps some woman, a would-be lover, fight crime. His features are flat and his eyes are beady. Moving on I see a family that looks like they could be related to Jared from Subway. Glasses and round white almost generic faces. Dad, mom, daughter, brother just waddling in quacking to one another.

Finally it is my turn at the register and the person in front of me is no longer of this Earth. I’m so annoyed from waiting in line so long that people are no longer humans, they have metamorphed into large amoeboid substances. Gelatinous featureless creatures that make sounds like “waa waaa, bah wah bah”. Any minute now I expect Captain Spock to beam me up from this hell hole that is Best Buy on Saturday afternoon.

When I arrived back home I realized that when I am in a hurry that I turn into a cretin… but don’t tell me that you don’t do the same. So to you, if you don’t want to be ugly, fat, or stupid, then please stay out of my way when I am in a hurry!

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

13 replies on “When I am in a hurry, everyone is ugly, fat, and stupid…”

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