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Food Network… Porn for Fat People

On Friday night Katie, Roger and Jes came over to my house for dinner and games. Jes wanted to make a Shepherd’s Pie and I wanted to eat a Shepherd’s Pie and so it was a done deal. We gathered at my house and while we were playing Settlers of Catan I told Jes she needed to “Back Up OUT MY FACE!” She immediately tried to repeat my ghetto phrase but she said, “Back up out of my face.” Which as you may notice has the word “of” in it and totally takes away the whole “Street” feel to it. Then I told her, “Man, yo bref is stank!” and she said, “Man, your breath is stank!” I had to reiterate here that the word is “Bref” not “Breath”. It was like I was teaching them Sanskrit or Gaelic, not Ebonics. Katie jumped in and started saying the same phrases like a proper WASPy white woman. It was hilarious and I guess you really needed to be there and you should have been there because we had PLENTY of food.

On Saturday while watching SNL they had just a quick screenshot of Food Network’s logo with the sub-title “Porn for Fat People”. I laughed until I almost burst. I love Food Network. Your mouth just waters as you watch Paula Deen slip a big stick of butter into a sizzling pan. Throw down with Bobby Flay followed by 30 Minute Meals with Rachel Ray is just “Yummo” and we can’t forget the Barefoot Contessa who is somehow calming and alluring when she talks about fresh Rosemary and Thyme.

One of my favorite past times is waking up at the Miller’s house in Denton and then having his mom cook us breakfast and then watching Food Network until noon. I still go over sometimes and we do this and it is wonderful. It’s like this miniature piece of heaven covered in some delicious gravy. (Man, I am getting Hungry!)

Tina Fey hosted SNL and Steve Martin made a guest appearance as they opened the show and it was hilarious. Later Carrie Underwood performed two songs and I couldh’t help but think that she is almost too amazing. Too pretty. Too perfect. I think I’d like her just a little bit more if she was a little more damaged like Brittany or Lindsey – NOT!

On the movie scene I checked out Jumper and Step Up 2 over the weekend and I was only marginally impressed with either. Jumper was cool, but it left me wanting a little more. There were some serious delays and there were times when I just wanted them to get on with it. Step Up 2, however, was just what I expected. A lame plot with some excellent dancing. The kids on this sequel will not disappoint. They are funny and they can dance.

I tried to watch the Oscars last night, but what a snore fest. I need to go see who won…

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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