Uncomfortably Close

If it hadn’t been for the fact that I was gifted with the genes of a lineman I am sure that I would be one of the world’s best and most accomplished runners. Prefontaine would have been a joke compared to me. Those runners from Kenya? You wouldn’t even know that they existed because they’d be so far behind.

 You see, my whole life has been nothing more than a series of sprints and marathons strung together to avoid problems and confrontation. Just this morning as I was walking into work I saw a call coming in from a friend. I hit “ignore” because I didn’t want to talk to this person and how dare they call me in the middle of the day when I just talked to them yesterday. Dang, Needy!

The odd thing about me is that one of my greatest strengths is making friends and meeting new people. People seem instantly attracted to me and if they aren’t it is most likely that they are intimidated or stupid.  I have a strong personality and if I am not the center of attention in a group I mentally take steps and make interjections so that soon the entire focus of the room is on me. I want the stage. I want the applause, but like most celebrities, (not that I am a celebrity by any stretch), I don’t want the papparazzi.  When my scene is over I want the curtain to drop and the crowd to dissipate. I want you to love and adore me when I want you there, but when I am ready for you to be gone I am soooo ready.  Is this selfish? Maybe, but in reality I think it is more the way a cat feels when it is in the clutches of a little kids hands. When it is held uncomfortably close and squeezed then suddenly it feels the need to squirm wildly and break free.  For some reason the fleeing of the cat only seems to make the child want it all the more. They’ll chase it and even though the cat loves the little kid, it has to get away. It needs some moments of solitude.

That is where I am at today in my life. Balancing my relationships and friendships so that I don’t feel choked. I love large parties, groups, tons of friends, but I want them to be like toys that sit on a shelf waiting patiently for me to come and pick them up and play with them. When I am done I want to stick them back on the shelf knowing that they are sitting there ready at a moments notice for me to play with and if I get tired of them, or if they make me angry, I can just pluck off their arms and legs and then stick them in the microwave.

Yes, it’s abrupt and cruel… but life is abrupt and cruel.