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King Without a Crown… or a valentine for that matter

I had to make an emergency run to the dentist today. Emergency? I know, you are envisioning chipped teeth or a fetid absess that may need to be knocked out with the blade of an ice skate. (See Castaway) But no, it was nothing that serious. Instead I lost my crown the day before Christmas Eve. I was gorging on the last bit of German Chocolate cake that was made for my birthday and suddenly I bit into something hard. At first I thought maybe it was a baby. You know, one of those plastic babies that they stick in Mardi Gras cakes. How cool would that have been and then I really could have said, “I ATE A BABY!” Haha. Instead it was my crown. All silver and shiny and partly coated with a white substance that was supposed to be shaded to match my teeth. But what is the point of that? Who looks way back into other people’s mouths and notices that the dentist took the time to coat one side of my tooth so that it matched the rest of them while 90% of the tooth is silver? It makes no sense. I’d rather the whole thing be shiny silver and if you are going to encrust something on the side, let’s make it diamonds. I mean it is called a crown and shouldn’t crowns have diamonds and maybe even rubies? I think so.

So while I am at the dentist all these sappy songs are coming on. “Once, Twice, Three Times the lady…. I love you” and “Tonight, I celebrate my love for you…” by Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack. I love romance, but these songs need to be saved for an infomercial where the lady has blonde 70’s hair and a glass of white wine and she is sitting in front of the fireplace on a blanket with a man who looks like a whiter version of Tony Danza. These songs should not be playing in the dentist office especially if my dental assistant lady happens to be rather attractive and being at the dentist is already an intimate interaction.

So all these love songs made me think of Valentine’s Day and since I am at Starbucks while I type this I should point out that they already have all their Valentines merchandise on display which adds to the fact that I am thinking about Valentines and not having one.

Valentine’s Day needs to be banned because it sucks for everyone. It sucks for the dudes because if you have a wife or a girlfriend then you are expected to get her something because of a certain day which makes the gift expected and love and romance should be spontaneous, not commercialized or contrived.

Secondly, if you are single then Valentine’s Day only makes you feel ultra single – but on an up note, you don’t have to buy for anyone and so you hold onto that little piece of positive bliss and hope that it lasts you through the days surrounding Valentine’s day where the restaurants are filled with couples and the stores look like someone vomited red and pink all over the place.

So I’m definitely not opposed to love, I mean, I wrote a book about it and now that I think about it, that would be a perfect Valentine’s Day gift for someone that you really do love. And it’s much cheaper than a dozen roses.

Buy it here immediately.

And… if you are a fan of Matisyahu then you will get the title of this post just a little bit more.

Also speaking of love… remember who loves you the most… I do.

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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