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Five Loaves, Two Fishes, and a Pack of Newport Kings

I joke sometimes about being quasi-famous, but the truth is that I AM.

I know what it is like to have Paparazzi follow you to your car. Last Saturday, while on stage, a woman threw a glass of ice water in my face for no apparent reason. I have been hounded for autographs and begged for handouts. But I realize it is all part of being a celebrity.

The one thing that really clicked for me when it comes to being a celebrity is the charity work that we get to do. Sometimes it is a basketball game that helps the Special Olympics, or a talent show at a high school to raise money for kids. And sometimes it comes in the most unlikely of forms…

I left the game on Wednesday night after having one of the best ManiAAC days of my life. I decided to cap off my evening with an ice cream sandwich from Pokey O’s as well as pick up some cookies for my co-workers. As I am leaving the store arms loaded down with two bags of Cinnamon Raisin Walnut, White Chocolate Cranberry, Fudge Nut Brownie, and Milk Chocolate Chip cookies, this woman stops me and says, “Do you mind buying me just a half sandwich?”

Now I am in one of the richest parts of Dallas and so it wasn’t surprising to me that the girl that asked me for food was dressed in cute capri pants, nice clogs, silver designer belt and a black shirt. Apparently here in the Highland Park area even the beggers realize that they need to look stylish if they don’t want to get hauled off to Oakcliff or Red Oak.

I agree to buy her a sandwich and so we head into Roly Poly’s. They tell us that they are closed.

Clarissa, that was her name, says to me, “Well, do you mind taking me home?” Of course I am wary that behind her sweet facade lies a deadly criminal that once I have her in my car will whip out a stun gun and later I will wake up in bathtub full of ice sans kidneys. I ask her where she lives, “Off of I-20”. As soon as she says this I say, “I am sorry, that is out of my way”. I-20 isn’t an area that I am familiar with and I am a little afraid to take her home. She then says, “How about you just take me to the 7-11 and buy me something to eat there?” I agree.

In the store she says, “I think I will just get a slurpee…. and this bag of chips… and do you mind getting me some money for train fare?”

“How much is train fare?”

“It is 2.50”

“Sure, no problem.”

“Well, would I be asking too much for a package of Newport Kings?”

“What?”

“A pack of Newport Kings”

“Sure”

At this point I am just ready to be done with her and $11.98 later I had her out of my hair.

After going through all of this I wonder how much was left out of the story in the Bible where Jesus fed the 5000. I bet that when those people saw how the food was multiplying I bet at last one went up to Christ and said, “Would you mind getting me a slurpee?” And when Christ miraculously made them a slurpee out of a stone, they probably had the gall to say, “What about a pack of Newport Kings?”

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

7 replies on “Five Loaves, Two Fishes, and a Pack of Newport Kings”

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