Five Loaves, Two Fishes, and a Pack of Newport Kings

I joke sometimes about being quasi-famous, but the truth is that I AM.

I know what it is like to have Paparazzi follow you to your car. Last Saturday, while on stage, a woman threw a glass of ice water in my face for no apparent reason. I have been hounded for autographs and begged for handouts. But I realize it is all part of being a celebrity.

The one thing that really clicked for me when it comes to being a celebrity is the charity work that we get to do. Sometimes it is a basketball game that helps the Special Olympics, or a talent show at a high school to raise money for kids. And sometimes it comes in the most unlikely of forms…

I left the game on Wednesday night after having one of the best ManiAAC days of my life. I decided to cap off my evening with an ice cream sandwich from Pokey O’s as well as pick up some cookies for my co-workers. As I am leaving the store arms loaded down with two bags of Cinnamon Raisin Walnut, White Chocolate Cranberry, Fudge Nut Brownie, and Milk Chocolate Chip cookies, this woman stops me and says, “Do you mind buying me just a half sandwich?”

Now I am in one of the richest parts of Dallas and so it wasn’t surprising to me that the girl that asked me for food was dressed in cute capri pants, nice clogs, silver designer belt and a black shirt. Apparently here in the Highland Park area even the beggers realize that they need to look stylish if they don’t want to get hauled off to Oakcliff or Red Oak.

I agree to buy her a sandwich and so we head into Roly Poly’s. They tell us that they are closed.

Clarissa, that was her name, says to me, “Well, do you mind taking me home?” Of course I am wary that behind her sweet facade lies a deadly criminal that once I have her in my car will whip out a stun gun and later I will wake up in bathtub full of ice sans kidneys. I ask her where she lives, “Off of I-20”. As soon as she says this I say, “I am sorry, that is out of my way”. I-20 isn’t an area that I am familiar with and I am a little afraid to take her home. She then says, “How about you just take me to the 7-11 and buy me something to eat there?” I agree.

In the store she says, “I think I will just get a slurpee…. and this bag of chips… and do you mind getting me some money for train fare?”

“How much is train fare?”

“It is 2.50”

“Sure, no problem.”

“Well, would I be asking too much for a package of Newport Kings?”


“A pack of Newport Kings”


At this point I am just ready to be done with her and $11.98 later I had her out of my hair.

After going through all of this I wonder how much was left out of the story in the Bible where Jesus fed the 5000. I bet that when those people saw how the food was multiplying I bet at last one went up to Christ and said, “Would you mind getting me a slurpee?” And when Christ miraculously made them a slurpee out of a stone, they probably had the gall to say, “What about a pack of Newport Kings?”


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have a few things to say in response to this:

    First of all, aaaaaaaaaaw! Eddo: that was very sweet of you to take care of her like that! (I definitely don’t blame you for being a bit weary about her though!)

    Secondly, I LOVE the comparison you make: UNDOUBTEDLY there were people asking that weren’t of the Godly variety! (aka: Biblical slurpies and whatnot). I just wondered how Jesus handled them!

  2. You are just TOO nice, Eddo. Once, my hubby and I were on a date and this guy in a wheelchair was outside of the restaurant while we were waiting to be called. He said he was hungry, and hubby said, No problem. You order something and we’ll have them bring it out to you.

    He took one look at that menu and said, okay, I’ll have the steak (the most expensive dish on the menu) My hubby was like, tell you what…we’ll order you a burger. Later, hubby was like…I couldn’t spend more on his dish than on my own wife’s.

  3. You’re nicer than me, because I wouldn’t have given her anything!

    But I’ve seen you shell out money on the streets of NYC too! Like it was going out of style!

  4. Steph: I wish I knew how Jesus handled them as well. I bet he had some Angels working overtime keeping the paparazzi back.

    Faith: I agree with your husband – that man was being just plain greedy.

    AM: Money is going out of style, didn’t you know that? And I am so in style and that is why I don’t have any!

  5. eddie, that’s funny. but seriously, i’ve never thought about it before. do you think people were grateful and humbled, or do you think that some asked for more?

    I am going to have to think about this one.

    also, i am soooooo glad i have a celebrity as a friend. maybe i can start following you with a big camera and taking your picture.

    and i can be your bodyguard.

  6. that is something to think about Eddie, I’ve never looked at the story that way, hmmmmmm . . . . i must ponder on it now

    (and you are a nice guy to help that lady out in whatever way you could)

  7. This is my favorite story Ed! I sense you are an apprentice of Mr.T. Although, he would have bought the girl a car to drive herself home in. hahaha!

  8. Are you really a celebrity? What do you do? I guess I am clueless to all of that.

  9. well, you are the weirdo magnet, aren’t you??? I guess that explains my presence in your blog, come to think of it…

  10. While I would have helped her out, I most certainly would not have let her in my vehicle under any circumstances. You are indeed a wonderful man Eddo.

  11. Eddo, you kill me.

  12. “a woman threw a glass of ice water in my face for no apparent reason”

    Maybe she thought you were HOT! 🙂

  13. Celebrity?

    Oh thats right… you know me

  14. Three Score and Ten or more

    Shucks that’s the kind of thing that happens to me all the time, and I’m famous as your average rock. (Not rock star, I said rock)

  15. this is awesome.

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