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Sometimes I feel like Donkey, Sometimes I feel like Shrek

I spend a good portion of my day being a chatty little ass. I talk and I rib people and I tell jokes and I am always the life of the party – or at least I think so. I am sure, just like Donkey, that after a while I start to get on people’s nerves, but I don’t care, because that is what asses do – we make asses of ourselves.

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Then there are times when I am no longer in the mood to be fun. This happens rarely, but there are days when I am just a big ogre. My fun buttons have all been pushed, my jokes have all been told, and I feel like Debbie Downer, but that happens so rarely that most people don’t even notice.

So what is the point of this lame attempt at a clever blog post?

Last night I had to be an ogre. After a month of putting up with my neighbor listening to his music too loud, I finally went upstairs and I told him that his frickin’ music was way to frickin’ loud! Before I went upstairs I painted myself green, I was going for the incredible Hulk look, but unfortunately, I looked more like Shrek.

The funny thing is, I don’t like confrontation and so I normally have to wait until I am really upset before I will say something and then I do a crappy job of saying what I need to say. Last night I just went up and I was actually really nice and the whole situation was not even 1% as dramatic as I had envisioned.

I had imagined myself storming up the stairs in a rage, pounding on his door with both fist while I hurled profanities at the metal barrier. Once he opened the door I planned on picking him up and spinning him around and around in circles over my head and then thrusting him over the balcony where his pathetic and puny little body would bounce once and his legs and arms would have been contorted and twisted into inhumanly possible positions. I would then dance to the shrill music of his screams and further rebuke him for his unholy actions. “People gotta sleep PUNK!!” A final kick to the kidney and then I would slam my door before calling 911 – apparently someone tried to commit suicide…

It didn’t go down like that though, Jason, my neighbor, was actually very apologetic and humble and he turned his music down. It’s a good thing too, or else you might be getting this blog post straight from the Plano jailhouse.

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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