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I’m gonna get, get, get you drunk

How long has it been since I started dating Cat? I don’t know, I am a guy, we can hardly remember our own last names! (Really, as men we have evolved so little) We have been having fun and Cat I am sure is okay with me divulging every little detail about our relationship, I hypnotized her and everyone else that watched my Mavs ManiAAC audition video. Yep, I planted subliminal messages in there so that anyone who watched it would totally throw themselves at me – and that is pretty much what Cat did. What’s that Cat? Oh, don’t deny it, I know everyone thinks it was me that couldn’t wait to ask you out, but we both know it was totally the other way around. I drive Cat crazy, I do it on the daily, I always treat her nicely, always buy her Icee’s. Dolce and Gabanna, Fendi – and the Donna… Yep, she is totally love drunk – (and if you don’t listen to the Black Eyed Peas then you probably didn’t get any of that)

One tiny thing Cat has not been doing that other girls I have dated in the past have done – I have received no batches of fresh baked cookies in the mail in the shape of me and her holding hands. No e-cards, or mix tapes. I haven’t seen her driving around my apartment complex at odd times throughout the day, she has not called me repeatedly to see how my day has been, she doesn’t expect me to talk for long periods of time on the phone, and she hasn’t shown up at my apartment when I was hanging with the guys. She doesn’t have a psycho girl laugh, or a 6 year old daughter that she said wasn’t hers and every time I have gone to pick her up , she has not kept me waiting for 1-2 hours while she finished getting ready.

Cat is effortlessly beautiful and delightfully sweet, I have been using a mild hallucinogen on her when we go out on dates so she doesn’t see what a giganto oaf I can be.

This weekend we are going for a bike ride together with her sister and brother-in-law and then after we are going to my sister’s baby shower. I plan to totally school her on the bike riding and leave her in my dust. Yep, that is how I prove my masculinity – after the bike ride we are going to have a weight lifting competition and maybe do some arm wrestling. She better be ready.

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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