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I’ll have a Geritol complete with a twist of lime please.

Recently I have noticed that I am acting like an old person. Because I have increased my workouts I find that I have more aches and pains than usual and so I have taken to coating myself from head-to-toe in Ben-Gay and then wrapping myself in a large white sheet to prevent the Ben-Gay from getting all over my furniture. I then lay prostrate on the floor and watch TV knowing that I probably look like a large joint or a Ben-Gay Burrito.

Instead of going clubbing on a Friday night I get dressed up to go to Walgreens or CVS/Pharmacy. I put on my best plaid shorts, a pair of dress shoes with black socks pulled up to my calves, and a button up shirt that I wear with only the last three buttons buttoned. Despite the late hour, I arrive at the drugstore with a bounce in my step because I have just taken some black market Celebrex.

While in the drugstore I peruse the aisles of cough syrup, antacid, laxatives and decongestants like a kid in a candy store. I load my basket to the brim with lotions and exfolliants, cucumber creams, and low-carb prunes and as I make my way to the register I always pick up a copy of readers digest and Globe.

Some other signs that I am living like an old person.

  • Instead of running I power walk – inside the mall.
  • This morning on the way to work I drove slow in the fast lane.
  • The entire time I was in the fast lane I left my blinker on.
  • At the Chick-Fil-A drive thru I called the guy that waited on me, “Sonny” and that wasn’t his name.
  • I have asked people to start referring to me as Eddie-Bob
  • I drink my coffe black – and it’s Folgers.
  • I watch the news and then tell my co-workers about how the world is coming to an end.
  • I start many conversations with “When I was a kid or Back in my day…”
  • My bathroom cabinet contains 3 types of muliti-vitamins, Centrum Complete, Glucosamine and Chondroitin.
  • I carry a pill box with me to work.
  • I make large pitchers of sun tea and then I sit on my porch and drink it out of a mason jar with lots of ice.
  • I will be turning 30 soon and on my wish list I have added a walker with tennis balls on the bottom so it will glide easier.

So if you see me out and about refer to me as Mr. Renz or Eddie Bob if you are over the age of 30 and be sure to stay clear of my walker.

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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