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Relationships Shopping

The Break-Up

I met her at The Buckle. Hair the color of apricots, cheeks the color of peaches, I couldn’t help but stare. She greeted me with a warm smile and instantly I felt we had a connection.

I looked into her cornflower blue eyes and asked, “Do you have these in a size 40?” She replied in a very suggestive tone, “No, but we have them in a 38, they are loose-fit, just try them on.”

She had me at “38” and we walked over to the dressing room arm in arm. She handed me the jeans and I pulled the dressing room door shut. Moments later I came out of the dressing room with the size 38 jeans on my body. They were tight, but I did get them buttoned.

Liz looked at me and said, “Oh, those look good.”

I choked out a “really?” because I could barely speak my pants were so tight. I am sure that these paints were so tight that they looked like they were airbrushed on my body.

Liz responed with utmost sincerity, “If you can get them buttoned then they will stretch out the rest of the way.” Then she proceded to tell me how I should get one in each shade of blue that they had.

I barely heard anything that was coming out of her mouth. I was mesmerized by her smile and a little light-headed since all the blood that had traveled to my legs was trapped there since the waist of these jeans had turned into a tourniquet.

I knew that buying these jeans would make Liz fall in love with me and so I quicky went back into the dressing room, peeled myself out of the jeans, and raced up to the counter and handed over my Visa. When Liz saw the size of my wallet her eyes grew wide with desire. She smiled at me suggestively, flipped her, hair and laughed at everything I said. She was sending me signals.

I left the store feeling 30 pounds lighter which was probably due to the fact that all the blood was rushing back to my brain, but part of it I am sure was because I was in love.

I got to my apartment and immediately tried the jeans on again and tried to sit down in them. Once I sat down the jeans sliced through my torso severing me clean in half. Livid I pounded my fist on the chair and realized that I was going to have to take the jeans back and get a wheelchair – neither of which was on my list of “Eddo’s Favorite Things To Do.”

On my way back to the mall my heart pounded with dread and from having to use my arms to roll that dang chair. I knew Liz and I were going to be over as soon as I said, “I need to return these.” I could imagine the tears, the flood of emotions, the denial – Was I ready?

Liz was there behind the counter and when I saw her I almost turned around and fled. She smiled and waved at me and I smiled back a sorrowful smile that said more than just hello – it also said goodbye.

I placed the jeans on the counter and I told Liz, “Liz, this has nothing to do with you, you are great, it’ s me, I’m not ready for this relationship, it is too constricting, these jeans are just too tight!”

Her lower lip quivered. Her hands shook. She looked away. I could barley stand to see her like this, after all we had been through together, she meant so much to me.

She turned to the register and processed my return.

“So we’re through – just like that?”
“No, just sign right here” Liz replied still not meeting my eyes.
“Can we still be friends?”
“Sure, we are going to have a sale next week, I’ll be here…”
“Well, I’ll see you around kiddo.”

And then I walked out of her life forever.

By Evan Stark

Eddie Renz is an avid fan of Egyptology, Wilbur Smith and bacon. Not a fan of humility but often finds himself humbled when he is around people who understand numbers like the Fibonacci sequence and Pi.

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